I was scared, and I reacted badly. I hid it from the people who love me and ran from what could save me, and now it might cost me everything.
I can’t take it. Pulling the blankets back, I place my bare feet on the cold floor and silently move over to the sofa. From this angle, his face is covered by his hair, so I gently brush it away, wincing when I see his swollen eyes. I did that, and yet he stayed. I hurt him, yet he’s still here. It has to mean something. It has to mean we can recover from this, because the idea of living without him . . .
No. Even the thought makes me recoil. There is no me without him. There is no living without him. Despite my injuries, I slip onto the couch behind Mackie, wrapping my arm over his waist. He snuggles back for a moment, and my heart clenches until he stiffens, and I know he woke up.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I press my face against his neck and inhale his scent, letting it calm the storm within me. The fear and pain all disappear with him in my arms.
“You need rest.” His voice is cold and detached. I hate it. When I turn him over to face me, his eyes are empty, devoid of emotion. I took his sunshine away.
“I wasn’t going another second without you, so either I sleep here or you get in bed with me, but I’m not letting you go.” His eyes narrow, so I rush on. “I know you’re mad at me, but I need you. I’m scared, baby.”
He softens a little, and with a sigh, he sits up and climbs over me.Taking my hand, he leads me back to bed, and after I shuffle in, he slides in next to me, but the distance between us grows.
He turns away from me, which makes me feel sick, his arms wrapped around himself as he scoots to the edge of the bed to get away from me.
“Mackie—”
“Don’t, not right now. Just let me be mad,” he snaps. “You wanted me here. I’m here. Sleep.”
“You think I can sleep with you like this?” He won’t look at me, so I turn him, and he glares up at me as I bracket him with my arms so he can’t escape. “You are the love of my life, Mackie. I love you so much, it scares me, and I’m so sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. I just wanted to protect you for as long as I could. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. The truth was, I was scared . . . Scared if I did, it would be true. I could ignore it if no one knew, so it almost wasn’t real. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did. You hurt me,” he responds, and I flinch. “I love you, Noah, but right now, I don’t like you very much, and the fact that you lied to me for so long . . . it breaks my heart. I thought you trusted me, I thought we were partners, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I do,” I say. “I trust you in a way I’ve never trusted anyone, not even myself. Mackie, I hoped it wasn’t true. I started to believe it wasn’t. I just pushed it away, but then you came into my life, and I started to be afraid—afraid you would find out and leave me or I’d leave you—so I kept you at a distance, even when I fell for you. I pushed you away to protect you. I didn’t want you to love me and break your heart if I . . . if I died. I thought I could do it, but I realized I couldn’t. I love you too much. I wanted you even if it was selfish. I told myself it was okay because you had Conan, and he could help when or if that time came. I deluded myself into it, allowing myself to be happy and ignoring everything else. You are all that matters to me. I never thought—” Looking away, I blink back my tears. “I’m scared, baby. I’m so scared. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave you. I’m just so scared and so sorry.”
“You’re a fucking idiot.” His words make me chuckle, even as heglares at me. “Did you think by keeping this from me, it would help? I love you, Noah, so much it honestly terrifies me. It borders on obsession, and yet I didn’t know about the most important thing in your life. I feel so dumb. I feel like everything is different, and I’m so fucking mad at you for keeping this from me and not getting the surgery. If you thought there was any universe where I would just accept you dying, then you are wrong. We will face this together, and we will do what’s necessary to get you better, no matter what it takes.”
“And after?” I whisper.
“We’ll get there when we do. All I know is I still love you, but I’m hurt and mad and that won’t go away anytime soon.”
“Neither will I,” I murmur as I place my hand on his. He doesn’t slap me or push me away, which I take as a good sign. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“You need to be alive to do that,” he whispers as he cups my cheeks. “Do you hear me? I won’t forgive you, not until you’re healing, then you can apologize and I’ll consider it, so you have to live. I command it.”
“Well then, how could I do anything else?” I whisper as I close my eyes. “I’ll get the surgery. I’ll do whatever it takes. I want to live, I always have, with you by my side, even if you’re mad at me.”
“Furious,” he corrects.
“Yet you didn’t leave.” My eyes flutter open to meet his, which have softened a fraction. I know it will take a while to get back to how we were, but I’m willing to work for it. I’ll do whatever it takes.
“I haven’t left you yet, not ever, so why would I start now?” he grumbles. “Get some sleep. In the morning, we’ll come up with a plan.”
Lying down, I open my arms, and he rolls his eyes but curls into them, resting his head on my chest. I can finally breathe again. I hold him tightly, and neither of us lets go.
“I’ll spend my life fixing what I broke today,” I whisper to him. “I mean it, sunshine. I love you so much.”
“Still mad,” he grumbles, but I feel him relax. “I’ll be herewhen you wake up.”
That’s all I need to hear. I can face whatever comes next as long as I have him. I’ve been scared since I got the diagnosis, scared of what’s living inside my head, but the fear in my heart eclipsed that tonight when I realized everyone who loves me would be left in ruins by my selfish actions.
I’m going to stop being scared and selfish. I’m going to face this, whatever the outcome.
FIFTY-TWO
The curtains are ripped open, and I blink at the sunlight with a wince, waking abruptly. I’m wrapped in Noah’s arms, his legs thrown over me as well, as if he’s worried I would leave while he slept. Groaning, he buries his face into my neck as I blink at the woman who finally comes into sight.
I gape. “Grandma?”
