“Nothing, I just love you. I’m so lucky to have you,” I murmur.
She pats my hands. “Don’t you forget it, boy.”
“Like you would let me,” I tease as the radio changes. I take her hand and pull her into my arms, dancing with her around the kitchen. It’s something my father and mother did every morning, dancing away the blues, and I make sure to dance with her as often as I can, knowing they got it from her and my grandpa. She smiles and lets me twirl and sway her.
“You made friends with the new couple?” I ask as we dance.
“Lovely girls. One of them is going to teach me how to use the computer so I can watch you.” She nods. “They are so in love, it’s beautiful. You should find someone and settle down like them. Maybe buy Dennis, the old fuck, out.” I smile, and when the song ends, she returns to cooking like she usually does when I turn up. She always claims I’m too skinny then feeds me until I burst. Nothing tastes like her cooking.
We eat and talk for hours before I leave her to watch her shows, which are basically reruns ofSVU, then I head upstairs, lying on my bed and staring up at my ceiling. There is a poster of Noah there, looking stern but young. It was one of his photos from the first time he competed. I loved him even back then. Maybe that’s weird, but it was a different kind of love, like idol worship, which changed to real love when I met him and got to know him. He was a fantasy back when I stayed in this room, but now he’s real yet still untouchable.
Sitting up with a sigh, I look at the framed photo of my parents beside my bed, and I pick it up. “Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Grandma is doing okay, starting shit as usual. I wish you were here to see it.” My lips tilt down. “I wish you were here for a lot of reasons.”
My door opens, and I look up to see my grandma. She notices what I’m holding and sits next to me, covering my hand. “They would be so proud of you. You know that, right?”
I blink rapidly and look at her. “You think?”
“Of course. You were always their greatest accomplishment. They loved you more than anything. I still remember the moment your mother told me she was pregnant. She was so happy. I’d never seen my son so excited, and the moment he met you and held you in his arms . . . God, I have never seen so much love. I loved my son, but he was a prick when he wanted to be.” I laugh. “But as soon as you came along, his world changed. He changed it for you. He wanted to be better, be someone you would be proud to call Dad. I wish they could see you and how you’ve grown into the amazing, brilliant man you are.”
“Do you think they would accept me?” I ask. It’s something I’ve always wondered.
“Love is love. Don’t ever question that. If you bring home a son-in-law or daughter-in-law, they wouldn’t have cared as long as you were happy. Love should not come with limits or restrictions, and they knew that.”
Nodding, I carefully put the picture down and rest my head on her shoulder, my eyes still burning.
“What’s with this trip down memory lane? And you came back without warning, not that I mind, but what’s wrong? Tell me. I’m old, but I can kill someone for you if I need to. What are they going to do, lock me up for five years?” she scoffs.
I smile before it fades. “Love hurts,” I admit. “First my parents and now . . .” I consider telling her, since if there was ever someone in my corner, it’s her. “Him, I love him, and I lost him.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “Did he love you?”
“I—no, I don’t think he does.”
“Then fuck him. He doesn’t deserve you.” She pats my thigh. “Don’t waste your heart on someone who doesn’t deserve it. There are so many people out there that would be lucky to be loved by you. You are young, Mackie, so very young. There will be others, but let it hurt and cry if you need to. If you want, I will cut off his balls and bury them in Dennis’s garden.” I laugh again, and she smiles as I lift my head, and she brushes my tears away. “Don’t waste these on people who don’t deserve them. Do you want to know the best way to get over someone?”
“How?” I ask.
“Get under someone else . . . or over, I’m not sure of your position.” She nods, and my mouth drops open.
“Grandma!”
“What?” She blinks innocently. “I loved your grandfather, but I still fucked around after he died. It’s perfectly natural. I’ve been learning about tops and bottoms—” I cover her mouth, and she smiles as I laugh, which is what she wanted.
“Please stop.” When she tugs my hand away, she interlaces our fingers.
“I love you. You are the very best part of my life, and I want you to be happy, so find someone who deserves that big heart of yours and never let them go. Don’t waste one more second letting it ache for someone who never owned it in the first place.”
“What if I don’t know if I want to move on from him?” I ask. I’ve been in love with Noah in some form or another since I was a teenager. Letting that go feels like losing part of me.
“Then fight for it.” She squeezes my hand. “My grandson loses to no one.”
“Maybe to a pretty female,” I grumble.
“Nah,” she scoffs. “You’re prettier than any woman. Fight her.” I smile again, and she kisses my cheek. “Whatever you decide, I just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” I murmur.
“Good, then let’s go watch Stabler. What a man . . .” She sighs. “And next time, bring a hottie home, even in a body bag so I can help you hide it.”
