I nod. No wonder Noah agreed to this. It couldn’t have been easy to let someone you love walk away to someone else, and one look into his hopeful eyes and I would do anything to give him what he wants.
“As long as it’s fair between us, I can live with it,” I say. “He’s right. I just want you to be happy, and I want to be around you. If this is how I can have that, then I can accept it, but it will take some time for me to understand, if that’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, and tears fall from his eyes. Hurrying around the table, I hug him, pressing his head to my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to hurt you. I never did. I feel so selfish, and now you’re hugging me after what I’ve done. You’re such a good man, Conan.”
I don’t feel like it at the moment, but I don’t say it. I want to grab him and run away, but that’s not fair. Noah came first. Instead, I hold Mackie tighter. At least this way I still get to have him, because if that one moment where I thought he was done with me is anything to go by, then I know I’m not ready to let him go, even if I should.
“Mackie, look at me.” He does, and I wipe his tears away. “Let me tell you about my husband.”
His eyes widen.
“He died a few years ago. I loved him very much, and I’ve been drifting ever since, never letting anyone close, dealing with heartbreak and grief alone until I just felt . . . nothing anymore. I was numb. Honestly, I worried I couldn’t be a good partner to anyone, that I might never be able to offer them what I had with my husband. My heart is still broken. He was my everything, my entire life, andthen I met you. Those worries still lingered. I thought I wouldn’t be enough for you and that you would grow to hate me for still having him in my heart. This way, it’s good. You can have both of us, and when I drop the ball, Noah can pick it up and offer you what I can’t.” It hurts to say it, but it’s true. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you or how I hope our relationship will go, and I hope it doesn’t for you either. I hope you still feel like this is worth trying. I hope you still want to text and call and bake together. I hope you still want me the same way I want you.”
“I still want you too, and I want that.” He cups my face as he looks into my eyes. “Your husband sounds like an amazing man. He must have been for you to love him. I’m so sorry you lost him, but I’m not sorry you came into my life. I’m not sorry you want to be with me. I want that too. I like you, Conan, a lot, and I want to date you. I want to know more about your life, including your husband, since he was such a big part of it. I don’t want to replace him, but I hope you’ll let me in.”
“And you too. I know you care for Noah, but I hope you give me the same chance and care, okay?”
“Okay,” he whispers, staring into my eyes as he leans in and kisses me softly, like he’s worried I will reject him. I don’t, and he smiles brightly, looking so relieved I ignore the hurt inside my heart.
I release his hand and head back to my seat as the food arrives. We eat in silence, but the awkwardness is to be expected. I don’t really know what to feel or think, but I can’t let him go, so I’ll learn to live with it.
When he finishes, he leans back. I hear his phone buzzing a lot, and I know it’s probably Noah. “Go on,” I murmur. “Go tell him before he searches for us and demands answers.”
“What? No, let’s spend time?—”
“It’s okay,” I promise. “I’m okay, and we are okay. We’ll figure this out step by step, but he needs to know. It’s the right thing to do. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Are you sure?” He frowns, worry etched on his features.
“Of course,” I promise, smiling. “We’re fine, Mackie. I’m still here. We can go on a proper date another day. Go on.”
Heclenches his jaw but stands before stepping around the table and kissing my forehead. “Thank you, Conan. I was so scared I would lose you. Thank you for giving us a chance despite everything. Thank you for not giving up on me. I promise I’ll make you happy.”
“I know.” I smile brighter. “Go on.” I smack his hip to get him moving, and he nods. With one last look at me, he hurries through the restaurant to the door.
I watch him go, and I smile and wave until he’s out of sight, then it drops as I rub my aching chest.
My feelings are twisted and stabbing into me.
I let someone in, let myself feel, and I might have lost him just like everyone else I’ve ever loved.
Some people might think he’s a stand-in, a replacement for my husband, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I never wanted to feel for Mackie. I just wanted to show him gratitude and help him like he helped me. I never meant to start falling for him, but I was a stand-in for him, at least in some ways, yet I can’t be mad.
I told myself I’d do whatever I could to improve his life and make him happy.
If dating Noah and me does that, then I’ll do it, even if it hurts and I want him all to myself, but that’s selfish, and I won’t be selfish with him.
TWENTY-NINE
Ispend a couple of hours with my thoughts after leaving Conan, needing to sort through everything that happened. Both Noah and Conan want to date me and seem fine with it. I know deep down they aren’t, that they are just trying for my sake, but that’s all we can do.
I don’t want to lose either of them, I’m selfish like that, so I’ll try it. It’s honestly the best option. I can’t stop loving Noah, but I can’t give up what I’ve found with Conan either.
My heart isn’t bothered by what’s right or wrong. Loving more than one person doesn’t matter as long as we are in it together. I know they need time, we all will, but it’s a good thing, right?
Noah wants me.
Conan wants me.
