“Yeah?”He fingerfucked me with one hand and squeezed my ass cheek with the other, making it sting all over again.
“I get you’re all kinky and dominate and all, but—”
“No.”
“No—what?I didn’t even ask.”
“This is the way it is.It can’t be any other way.”
“Why?”I sat up, pulling away from him, and gingerly resting my ass on the pillow.
“Every time anyone else has had control over me, it was bad.I’m not going there again.”
“But it doesn’t have to be me controlling you or you controlling me.Shouldn’t this be a partnership?It’s a dance.We’re both involved.”I hardly knew what I was talking about or why I was trying to convince him of it.But I wanted more than a fling with my builder—I wanted Godwin and everything he could share with me.
“If you don’t like what we’re doing...”He stretched an arm out toward the door.
I grabbed it, pulling it down to his side.“No.No, no.I love what we’re doing.I was only asking.If you can’t—I mean, if this is it?In the bedroom, I’m happy to give it up.”
He leaned over and kissed me.He put a hand on the side of my face.“This isn’t fair to you.”
“It’s fine.”I looked away so he couldn’t see the lie in my eyes.My heart hurt that he didn’t want to share more.
“No, it’s not.But you don’t understand.”
I glanced at him.His eyes told a different story than what was coming out of his mouth.They were concerned, worried, caring.I needed to know more.“What don’t I understand?”
“Well, when, uh, when I was in high school.I was pretty good at school.”
“I wasn’t.I needed tutoring and all kinds of help.”I interrupted.
Godwin pulled me into his lap, probably to shut me up.I couldn’t help my mouth when I was nervous or apprehensive about something.
“Well, I didn’t,” Godwin continued.“Mostly.But I was having trouble with calculus.”
“I never got to calculus.I’m an English major.”
“Shh...I’m telling you something important.”
He put his hand over my mouth, so I nodded for him to go on.
“I thought I’d need Calc.I wanted to pass.Anyway, my teacher offered to tutor me after school.I went to his place, and I got more than tutoring.”His face went pale.
“What the fuck?Holy hell, what happened?”I’d never expected this conversation to take such a dark turn.My life, my childhood, hadn’t been perfect, but I needed to remember that there was always someone who had experienced something worse.Godwin came from a good home and had a great mind, but that didn’t mean bad things didn’t happen.My heart ached for the child he’d been.
“Yeah.”Godwin stroked my hair as if comforting me was comforting him.I snuggled into him and listened.I suspected what he would say, but I could tell he needed me to hear him.He glanced off into the distance as if he were seeing another place and time.“He got me drunk.I thought it was a cool thing to do.I’d been the nerd, while Beau was the one to go to parties and shit.So, when Mr.Jackson offered me beer, I thought it meant I was cool.But he wanted in my pants.”Godwin started shaking, and I held him a little tighter.“After two beers, the books were closed.He gave me a blow job.I guess I’m lucky that’s all it was, but it was also horrible.”He exhaled a loud sigh.
“That’s bad.It washisfault, though, not yours.”Then the anger spilled over me in a dark wave.I wanted to end the mother fucker who dared to touch him.“I could kill that asshole.”
“That’s easier to know here.”He touched his head.“Than here.”He touched his chest.“But it doesn’t even matter any more.I only shared this so you can know where I’m coming from.It’s not something I tell people.Not anyone.”
“I get it, and I’m sorry that happened to you.”I held him as tight as I could, rubbed his back.I needed to comfort him in order to dispel my rage.
He kissed the side of my head.“There’s a similar story that happened later in life with a shitty date.I mean, he got what he wanted then ghosted me.That’s when I started changing.I couldn’t let others take advantage of me.And that’s easier to do if I’m in charge—of everything.”
“I get that.”I cleared my throat and pulled back a little, trying to decide if I could live with it.I wanted a partnership, not a dictatorship.“In the bedroom, I’m easy.I like to be, uh, manhandled?Told what to do?Dominated a little?But in the rest of my life?No.I call my shots.Hell, half the time I don’t even paty attention to the catcher’s signals.I throw what I want.”
“I bet that doesn’t make you popular.”
