Still not particularly caring about the flowers, though beautiful as they were, Rowan’s eyes were drawn to a newly exposed stretch of upper thigh from already short shorts riding up further. And that revealed something entirely new.
“Is that a tattoo?” Rowan interrupted.
Juniper diverted her attention to her thigh immediately, asher hand grazed over her own skin in acknowledgement.
“Oh, yeah. It’s a traditional leg band. I got it a couple of years ago after we had our first truly successful year with the gardens. An older woman from our Tribe is bringing them back the traditional way, stick and poke style.”
Rowan’s mouth dropped open.
“You sat through an entire leg band done as stick and poke?” She probed further in disbelief.
Juniper stood up and walked closer to Rowan. Inches apart, she lifted her leg. “Yep. Well, I sat through several sessions. Here, you can look at it.”
Traditionally, women received tattoos like this in honor of their accomplishments or contributions to their community. Rowan guessed the gardens were what prompted the other woman to tattoo her. It was essentially a symbol of adornment gifted by older women, to let others know that she had earned the right to have it. It was areallybig deal.
Despite Rowan’s prior attempts at keeping her hands in her pockets, one of them instinctively found its way to the back of Juniper’s knee to steady her leg, touching more smooth skin on the back of her calf than it really needed to on its way there. She caught Juniper’s wide eyes snap to hers and stay there for a painfully silent moment before snapping back down.
“Um, it’s, um,” Juniper stammered, “similar to a design I found in an old illustration of our Tribe’s tattoos. I liked the combination of round elements throughout the center line with the triangles jutting up and down along the outer borders.”
Juniper wrapped one hand around Rowan’s tricep to balance better as she angled her leg from side to side to show off the tattoo.Oh good god.Rowan felt her own grip unconsciously tighten around Juniper’s bare skin. She had to close her eyes for a second.Just objectively, anyone who likes women would find this attractive, right? Right. That felt like mental gymnastics, but she was sticking to it. She steeled her resolve and opened her eyes, taking in what Juniper wanted to show her.
“Shit, that’s so tough, Junie,” she started. Then she rushed to clarify. “I mean, Juniper. Sorry.”
Juniper dropped her leg, and the pit that grew exponentially in Rowan’s stomach told her she was sure she had fucked this up.
“No, you can call me Junie. That was… unnecessary,” Juniper said, blinking and adding a slow self-admonishing head shake.
“Are you sure? I can call you that. It was a force of habit.”
Rowan’s eyes searched hers in earnest. It had beensoeasy today to fall back into some semblance of the way they used to be with each other.
“I’m sure,” Juniper confirmed, turning to walk towards the picnic table off to the side of the garden, leaving in her wake a very speechless Rowan Birdsong.
After the tour finished, they settled into the next few hours of pruning, weeding, and watering. By the end of it all, they were both glistening with sweat, and they both confirmed they were starving. They decided to break for lunch and go on about their work days separately. Rowan was caught in an internal struggle with herself over whether she really wanted to go back to her office afterwards, or if she wanted to keep spending time right here on the land, and with Juniper.
She sat alone in her truck, well after Juniper had pulled off and drove away. She leaned her head back against the seat and squinted her eyes shut aggressively. She pulled her hat over her face and flattened her palms against it, crushing it against her face.
“Ughhh,” she bellowed out into her hat.
A storm of emotions raged inside her. Memories of the past flooded her mind, and she couldn't help but question her every move. Was it fair to let these feelings resurface when she knew the pain she caused her before?No, you’re fucking selfish.
How did she think returning to her life would go though? That Juniper would happily accept her mere presence as an apology, and then they could do what? Be friends? She hadn't realized that even after all this time it would still feel messy,fresh, rubbed raw with sandpaper.
Sometimes when a heart breaks, it feels like these cords that had attached themselves to the other person’s heart were still left out in the world dangling, desperate to grab onto any other beating heart to re-tether themselves. The cause of every shitty rebound. In their case, it felt like some of those cords that had attached their hearts all those years ago were trying to find each other again.
But you can’t do this again. Not with Juniper.
And what right did she have thinking she deserved to occupy even a sliver of this life Juniper had created for herself? With all of the amazing things she’d done? She’d had fifteen years to learn her lesson about not wanting to come back in and fuck Juniper’s life up. Yet, there she was. She knew it was inevitable, moving back home. Even if Juniper didn’t still live there, it would have only been a matter of time before they crossed paths again. Their parents were old friends; if they weren’t working together, it would have been some barbeque, some social dance, some community event.
Rowan wondered then, if they had re-met under different circumstances, where Rowan would have had the courage to confront what she’d done head-on… but she had had fifteen years to do just that, and never had.
“She deserves so much better than you,” she bemoaned into her hat.
She sat up, smoothed her hair back, and replaced her hat on top of her head. She reached into the backpack on the seat next to her to grab her phone and saw a message from one of her longtime friends, Emmanuel Toussaint, who was also a founding member of Climate Justice Collective, flash across the screen.
Gimme a call when you get a chance. I have an interesting development to tell you about.
Now was as good a time as ever, she supposed. Anything to get her mind off of the terrible idea of allowing herself to feel things for Juniper Banks again. She clicked the phone icon, andit dialed out.
