“Uhh, ok…,” Rowan began while she thought about her response, “what about‘you must have swallowed a magnet because I’m so attracted to you right now.’”
Juniper turned to her and started giggling, and Rowan loved the look and sound of that.
“Wow, you’re fucking smooth.”
“I know.”
Juniper jabbed Rowan’s side and rolled her eyes. Rowan reached a hand up and twirled a piece of her hair around her finger. She pressed her luck again. “You’re so hot you would make a nuclear reactor melt down.”
“Oh my god, Rowan, why are they all science related?!” Juniper exclaimed through their shared laughter. “This is not promising!”
“What? I have a hard time believing you wouldn’t give me a shot with those.”
“Even without pickup lines, you have to know you’re soattractive.”
Rowan’s fingers stopped combing through her hair for a few pounding heartbeat’s worth of time as their eyes met. Her thoughts were flying through her head. Earlier she was cute, now she was attractive. Had Juniper been feeling this too? It had been so long since they had been this close. Physically, of course. But emotionally, it also felt like they were on a precipice, leaning so close to an unknown edge.
“Maybe…” she hesitated. “But I think most women who have been interested in me, in the past, only saw the external version of me. Not how I look I mean. My image.” Rowan went back to stroking her hair. She just couldn’t help herself. “Ah, I have a good one. You ready?” Rowan asked.
“No, but please carry on,” Juniper joked.
“Are you copper? Because I could Cu,” Rowan said as she traced the letters Cu from the periodic table into the air, “coming home with me tonight.”
Rowan could feel Juniper’s body tense. There was a pause before she asked, “Did you bring a lot of women home with you, living in the city?”
Picking up on the atmospheric shift between them, Rowan was unsure how to respond to that question.
Juniper continued, “I mean it’s okay. I’m just wondering.”
Rowan sighed softly, “No.”
Juniper looked at her pointedly and what rattled out of her mouth next felt more like an accusation to Rowan than anything else. “You must have. There’s no need to lie or cover it up. I’ve seen you in your suit and tie on tv, the way you look on social media. I’m sure you could have any woman eating out of the palm of your hand.”
Did she really have that low of an opinion of her? That Rowan would flex her internet presence to fuck some fangirl? So she might be attractive, but she was still a shitty person – something Juniper wasn’t going to let her forget.
“Actually, I felt lonely most of the time.”
She watched Juniper’s eyes soften in surprise.
“Lonely?”
Rowan picked up on the sad tone in that question but was at a loss on how to respond in a way that could make sense as to why, both to her and for Juniper. She stared into the sky trying to find the words to convey what it felt like to experience intense love, then a loss so painful it felt like grieving, all while navigating a long struggle to understand her identity, in more ways than one. She had never shared those identity struggles with Juniper. She hadn’t really ever shared them with anyone.
Even though Rowan had enjoyed a vibrant social life, when she wanted to be social, and had relationships with a few women, she could never get past the six-month mark. She never saw the point in making the transition to something more long-term when she didn’t feel the connection would end up leading anywhere more significant. Her relationships all felt like they had run their natural course, and then they were over.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.” Juniper added.
“Don’t worry,” Rowan interjected, “please.” She dropped her arm from Juniper’s hair, their arms grazing each other.
“I guess I never expected that you would have felt that way. I thought you were living it up, living your dream. You went to a prestigious school, then law school, then became this kind of famous person following your passion. At least to us, here. And you’resogood at it.”
“That’s the power of social media, right? The highlight reel. I never tried to put out that kind of image. I wanted to use it to show the work we were doing, how important it is for people like us to be at the front of the climate justice movement. It makes sense all anyone could see was the good stuff. I didn’t know it would grow into what it became.”
She paused and looked over to Juniper. “I’m sure it’s weird that this shy kid you used to know ended up where I’m at now, but that’s such a small snippet of my life. You know I’ve never been a very… open person. I’ve always found it easier to conceal my true self,” Rowan explained.
“It’s funny because on the opposite end, I have always felt like you could see right through me. Like glass.”
“Yeah?”
