Meeting his gaze, I nodded. “I’m not going anywhere. Unless it’s to check on my…wife,” I amended. “Have you happened to hear how she’s doing?”
I hadn’t called Hope because I’d been in such a weird place all day, though she had sent over a couple of brief texts.
“She’s doing well,” Bryce told me as he reached into the isolette. “Dr. Natalie will stop in later and give you an update on her if you want?”
“Yeah, that would be great.”
“Do you want to change his diaper?”
My eyes widened as excitement filled me. I’d been watching him adjust the CPAP and wires, but at his question my head snapped up. “Uh…yeah, hell yeah.”
He was so tiny I was scared to touch him, other than where his fingers were clenched around mine. There were little doors on the side of the isolette that you could flick open to reach in, but first Bryce had hit a button that would keep most of that warm air and humidity inside like a vacuum.
I watched carefully as Bryce explained what to do. I couldn’t believe how small the diaper he handed me was. Smaller than two of my fingers side by side.
“There’s one size smaller than that, if you can believe it,” he told me with a grin.
I shook my head. “That’s crazy.”
“Before we change him, can you hold him up so that I can change the sheet he’s laying on?” He was giving me a chance to hold my boy, in a way.
I slowly reached my hands in and placed them side by side, cupped together like I was going to scoop water out of a sink. He placed Collin into my palms. He fit so snuggly. I could have held him in the palm of one hand with room to spare. But right now, I was holding him, even if only a few inches in the air for a few seconds.
“He’s doing great for now,” Bryce told me. “We’ll keep a close eye on him, don’t worry.”
I fell quiet again as Bryce walked me through how to change my son’s first diaper.
* * *
That night wasan exercise in stoicism and powerlessness. The nurse practitioner warned me about what to expect tonight and over the next couple of days. The nurses answered all of my questions with patience and ease. I even got to talk to one of the NICU doctors and he went over it all again. No one was upset about having to repeat themselves while I tried to absorb everything they were telling me.
“We’re going to be chasing his condition tonight, and maybe for the next week or so. It really just depends on him,” Dr. Hap said. His name was a short version of his last name but it was what he said he preferred to go by. He explained that by ‘chasing his condition’ it meant that unexpected things would pop up and they’d have to jump on it and help as the emergencies happened. And they would happen. “His heart rate and his breathing are going to be constantly dropping and dipping because of his size. We’ll be monitoring Collin closely and adjusting everything as needed.”
I was grateful to them. They were keeping my son alive, allowing him to have the time he needed to grow stronger. But damn was it hard to just sit there when I couldn’t help. They let me be a part of his care time that night and into the next morning, and I jumped at the chance to change every diaper. I didn’t bother to try to sleep.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I hit a contact. “Hey. How’s she doing?” I asked as Hope answered. Dev’s mom sounded tired, but not worried.
“She had a good night. The meds had her knocked out for most of it. She isn’t awake yet.”
“Okay, good. She just needs to sleep.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll come over in a couple hours to check in on you both. You need anything?”
“I’m good, Sweetie, but thanks. How about you?”
“I’m alright. Collin’s doing…” I glanced up as the alarms started blaring. It had happened so much all night I had to look at the monitor to know whether they were actually going off or if I was imagining them. “He’s doing good,” I told her as the morning nurse who’d taken over for Bryce came into the room to check on him. “I’ll gotta go, but I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Okay, see you soon, Bolo.”
Just like the day he was born, there was nothing I could do but watch as the nurses cared for Collin. But at least I was here. That had to count for something. The nurses told me that it did. That babies always seemed to do better when their parents were actively involved in their care time. But, if nothing else, I’d be here in case things turned bad. I just hoped like hell they wouldn’t.
I took every opportunity I could to hold his hand and hold his body. Body hugs, or hand hugs, were what they called it, layingyour hand over his body. He was so small that I could cover his whole torso with my palm.
In between those times I did my best to keep the dark thoughts at bay. The thoughts that tried to creep in and tell you all the things that could happen. They served no purpose. They couldn’t be used for any contingency planning, or any preparations. They only existed to upset and to remind you that evil lurks in the shadows, including the shadows of your own mind. In moments like this, when you were most vulnerable, those thoughts tried to surface and take over.
I checked on Devyn, though she was sleeping again by the time I got over there to see her. But just getting to kiss her head and hear her breathing helped. Hope gave me a hug, then I rushed back to be by Collin’s side, afraid to be away from him for more than a few minutes. I spoke to my parents and Relay on the phone. Though honestly I didn’t remember a lot of it. I was just repeating what the doctors and nurses had told me, giving them information about Collin and Devyn. Then I’d be alone again.
