It was a bit of a process, which is why it took until today. He still had his CPAP, feeding tubes, and monitor wires. He was stable, but because he had half a dozen tubes and wires attached it took two nurses to transfer him gently to me.
He was so tiny that they just tucked him into my bra. Something clicked into place. His little cries stopped as soon as he settled against me and we both relaxed. This was what I’d been waiting for in that operating room. To feel my baby in my arms, against my body. I’d had to wait four days for it to happen but I’d do it over and over again.
“Tomorrow come in a button down shirt,” the nurse suggested. “No bra. It will be easier with all the wires and tubes.”
“Okay,” I told her, eager to do whatever I needed to in order to make things easier. I wanted to hold my baby as much as I could. I stared down at the top of his head. Our skin was pressed together and I couldn’t believe, after all this time, I was finally holding my son.
I barely moved a muscle, scared to shift in case I hurt him, but that didn’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks.
“Look at those numbers,” the nurse, her name was Briana, said with a smile. “That’s one happy baby.” His vitals displayed on the screen were at the optimal readings. He was showing no stress at all.
“And one happy mama,” Bolo said, brushing his hand over my head.
It was comforting to have him there with me, with us. “Thank you.”
“For what?” he asked, his brows shooting up.
“For being here for us.”
He shook his head. “Thank you for…shit…for everything. For him. He’s amazing.”
“He really is,” I said with a sniffle. I scooped my hand under where Collin’s little butt was and just held onto him.
I’d do everything all over again just to get to this moment. The moment where my heart melted and my soul expanded once again to envelope another person within it. I understood the saying now that a mother’s heart walks outside her body. All that I was now was for him. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t give him. Do for him.
Bolo was there with us smiling, happy, watching us together, and I knew I would love this man until I was six feet in the earth for what a wonderful human being he was. His strength, his kindness, his heart, his steadiness, were all reasons I loved himand now I could add on another role I’d love him for. Father. He would sacrifice so we would be happy. And I’d sacrifice so they could be happy.
Our son was going to grow up. He’d move off into the world as kind and strong of a man as his father, if we did our jobs right, and with him he’d bring a piece of both of us. An irreversible part of his mother and father that would always be there within him.
The idea made me smile, and cry, as I sat there holding my son on my chest, safe in my arms for the very first time.
CHAPTER 43
Bolo
After their skin to skin time together, the nurse had put Collin back in his little pod to rest and another nurse had come to find Devyn because it was time for her to take her meds and have an exam. I’d hugged her and watched her leave, promising that I’d stop by and see her in the morning when she woke up.
My brain was fried. The lack of sleep, food, and the emotional drain of seeing my old lady and son together was starting to take a toll. I laid back in the recliner, ready to finish that nap.
I had no clue how long I was out for, but I awoke as someone came into our room. The grogginess had me reaching for my gun—which wasn’t in my waistband—as I sat up quickly.
“It’s just me, Bolo,” Relay said, pausing in the doorway until my eyes focused on him. “I thought maybe you’d want to go home. Get some real sleep? Or a shower. Please.”
I rubbed a hand over my face as my heart beat hard against my ribs. I must’ve been dreaming and thought Relay was Collective for my body and half asleep brain to have reacted that way. Crazy how now that Collin was out of immediate danger my brain went right to the next threat. At least this was a threat I could face.
Getting up, I went over to the isolette and looked in on Collin. He was asleep. His monitors were quiet and steady. I sighed and stretched my neck. “I don’t want to leave him.”
“Bro. You look like shit. And smell just as bad.”
Scowling at him, I flipped Relay off. “You try going this long without actual sleep and see how pretty you fucking look.”
“Which is exactly my point,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I offered to come. Just so you know, Dad was already on his way. And if I go back to their place instead of you going home he’s going to come over here and kick your ass until you leave.”
I grunted in response.
“He’s dying to come see both of you. But you know Mom’s going to be pissed if he gets to see the baby more than she does.”
She wouldn’t really be mad. In fact, I was betting she was climbing the walls not having anything to do to help me, Dev, or Collin. She was a nurturer through and through. I was betting it was my dad who was keeping her from sitting in the guest chair next to me every minute of every day. He knew his son well and somehow knew I’d needed some space while I processed all this. Even though it had been a lonely journey, it was one I’d needed to go through by myself. Well, me and all the medical staff here.
