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She was quiet a moment and nodded. "I'm sorry about Patu and Fatani and Reinhardt. And Wit O'Toole and everyone."
"Me too. Do you have a minute? Can we talk somewhere?"
"The park across the street." She moved for the door, and he followed.
"Do you need to tell anyone?"
She gave a dismissive wave. "You pulled me from a boring meeting. I was about to throw myself from the building to get out of it anyway. They won't notice I'm gone."
The park was lush and green with rows of mature oaks along the paths that created a thick canopy overhead. The walkway was cracked and old and dappled with light. It smelled of flowers and cut grass.
"First off, thank you for helping Bingwen," he said.
Her face lit with a quick smile. "How is he?"
"He's in a military school in northern China. I spoke with the director yesterday. Now that the military is transitioning to the International Fleet, the director was unsure about the school's future, but he assured me that Bingwen was safe and would continue to be of interest to China. A lot is in flux, but I suspect they'll transition the school into a youth training facility for the IF."
"Can I contact him?"
"E-mail only. I'll send you his address. He would love to hear from you."
"This International Fleet," she said, "are you enlisting?"
"I already did."
She nodded but didn't look at him.
There was an old wooden gazebo with ivy growing up the sides. They sat on the bench inside. Mazer positioned himself so he was facing her.
"Everything I said before I left, Kim, about not wanting to be an absent father or husband is still true. I resolved to be single when I joined the military because I didn't want to subject my wife to that life. But I've been living that life every day since, Kim. I've been living it moment by moment, and I hate it. I hate it so deeply it makes me sick."
Her hands were in her lap. She watched his face, listening.
"I hate it because you are not in it, Kim. I know I told you to move on. I know I told you to find someone who could make you happier. And maybe you have. But I am going to fight for you, Kim Arnsbrach. I am going to fight to convince you to forget everything I said before. I don't want a life without you. And if there is another man in your life, I am going to scare him until he wets himself and runs away."
She allowed herself a smile.
He waited a moment before continuing. "My mother taught me when I was young that all of us are filled with mana. It means 'energy' or 'power,' and it flows into us from the natural world. Trees, animals, the wind. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, especially to a doctor, but--"
"It doesn't sound ridiculous," she said.
He nodded. "Well it sounded ridiculous to me. After my mother died, the older I got, it all sounded ridiculous. All of it. The dancing, the music, the fish gods and creature guardians. It was laughable, fantasy. My father scorned it, and so did I."
He looked down at his hands and back up at her. "And maybe most of it is fantasy. But this mana, this essence, that might be real. There's truth to that. When I crashed in China, when I woke up after the surgery, I felt as if life had drained out of me, Kim. I thought it was my body, the injuries, the weakness I felt. But it wasn't. I had lost it before then."
He took her hands. "You're the mana I lost, Kim. When I lost you, I lost life. If that sounds hokey and weird, so be it. If you think I'm crazy, fine. You wouldn't be the first to think so."
"You're not crazy," she said. "Annoying sometimes. Stubborn and bullheaded and a terrible communicator. But you're not off your rocker. Not yet."
"I'm a soldier, Kim. I always will be. T
hat's an imperfect situation for any marriage, I know. But I would rather have that, and do everything in my power to make you happy than to live one more second without you. Kei te aroha au ki a koe. I love you, Kim. I love you. I should have told you that a long time ago. And until you tell me to go away, I will tell you that every day of my life."
She didn't speak for a long moment. "Is this a marriage proposal, Mazer? Is that what this is? Because a girl dreams about this, and getting pulled out of a status meeting in the middle of the workday is not how she envisions it. You're supposed to be this brilliant strategic mind, capable of planning every meticulous detail of an operation. Yet you don't even have a ring, do you?"
"I have a ring. My mother's. But it's on base, locked up with my things. If I went to get it, I wouldn't be able to leave again. But I re-created it as best as I could to give you an idea of what it looks like." He pulled out his holopad and extended the antennas. A ring appeared in the holofield, hovering in the air. The gold bands were all braided together, encircling the diamond in the center.
Kim extended her hand and slid the ring on her finger. "I hope you don't expect me to carry a holopad around for the rest of my life."
