The trajectory of my entire life will be determined by what I learn when I walk through those doors... I’m praying for a miracle but mentally preparing for a nuclear warhead to drop on my head because that seems the most likely outcome.
I want kids. I’ve always wanted kids one day. But not like this. Not with someone I don’t even like and certainly not at the expense of the only girl I’ve ever loved.
I thought losing her the first time was the hardest thing I’d ever go through.
Turns out, losing her the second time has been so much worse.
I had a taste of what happily ever after could look like and now, I fear nothing will ever compare.
London isn’t just the girl I’ve loved since I was old enough to understand what loving someone meant. She’s also the only person on this planet who’s ever made me feel truly whole.
You may not believe in soul mates, but that’s only because you’ve never experienced what it’s like to have a very part of you tied to someone else.
London is that for me.
She’s everything.
So why did you let her go a second time?The voice in my head chooses this moment to chime in. Always there to kick me when I’m down...
Because I was scared.
Because I was angry.
Because she was right...
Because I couldn’t ask her to watch me have a child with another woman.
Because I couldn’t ask her to tie her life to someone who couldn’t make her their utmost priority.
London deserves the world and until I know the results of this test, until I know my future, I can’t give her that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
London
“You can do this,” I reassure myself for the millionth time as I make my way to Penn’s house. In truth, I don’t even know if he’s home, but I knew if I didn’t do this right now, I might never, so here I am, taking the leap.
It’s been a little over a week since the last time I saw him. He probably thinks I’m in another state at this point. Little does he know, I never left Wren Cove.
Trust me, I wanted to. I just didn’t have the means to.
My parents did not support the decision, therefore refused to help me and well, you can’t exactly hit the road when you have nowhere to go, no car to get you there, and you only have enough money to last you a week, maybe two if you’re frugal.
While it may have been my knee-jerk reaction to leave, I’m glad I wasn’t able to. I would have regretted it; that much I know with complete certainty. Last time, I was running toward something. This time I would have just been running away. As if distance was the answer.
So what have I been doing for the last nine days, you ask?
Hiding and sulking.
I think that pretty much sums it up.
Well, that and I’ve been working on a business model to present to the bank when I apply for my very first business loan next week.
I’ve decided I’m tired of trying to outrun the life I thought I didn’t want and start living the one I have.
As much as I wish I had come up with the idea myself, it still doesn’t change the fact that it was a good one. Since I lost dance,I’ve been floundering, a fish out of water. I don’t want to look back a decade from now and realize I’m still trying to find my way back to the sea.
I want to do something that will bring joy to my life. That will give me purpose. That will allow me to give to others what was tragically taken from me—a chance.
