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One of the books I had been shoving into my pack slips out of my hand and in slow motion, it bobbles on my fingertips. Instead of falling in the direction of the bag, it inclines away from me, drops and begins its rapid descent down the stairs, one loud thud at a time, until the book announces its grand entrance onto the foyer with a resounding BAM!
My spine straightens with the unusually still silence, and I know I’ve undoubtedly gained my father and West’s attention.
“Rach?” Dad calls from his office at the bottom of the stairs. “Are you okay?”
I suck in a breath to steady myself. He doesn’t even have to look to know it’s me. No one else in this family would ever make such an awkward mistake. I rush down the stairs and pause in the large entryway of his office. “Just clumsy. ”
My father’s lips quiver as if he wants to laugh like I’m a clown in a show. How he turns his emotions around so quickly, I’ll never know, and I enviously wish he would share his secret. It’s probably why he’s never understood why I couldn’t control the panic attacks.
When I fidget, the quivering stops. He remembers I hate being laughed at—and I hate that he remembers.
I steal a glance at West, who shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the floor. Mom doesn’t know about the times West’s temper has gotten the best of him. West can fake perfection, where I always fall excruciatingly short.
“Maybe I should try out for the circus,” I say to lighten the mood. “I’d be a whiz at juggling china. ”
And it works. Dad laughs. . . at me. “Good thing Grace isn’t your middle name. ”
With a glare between West and Dad, West leaves the room and I watch him go.
Dad pushes away from the massive oak desk, stands to his full six feet and gestures for me to join him. This is what Ethan will look like someday: tall, dark chestnut hair, even darker brown eyes and full of confidence. Mom said she fell in love with Dad the moment she saw him at college orientation.
Dad sits in one of the two chairs in front of his desk and indicates that I should take the other. I rotate the gold bracelet on my wrist one time. I have a routine and he’s ruining it.
“The guy provoked West. ” It had to be said. “I heard about it at school and—”
“I don’t want to talk about West. ”
One more rotation of the bracelet. West and my impending lateness are warring for attention in my mind. “Mom’s gone?”
“She left early this morning for a breakfast. ”
I should be eating breakfast. Why can’t he let me continue with my routine?
“I wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you,” he says.
Despite the tension of the morning, everything inside of me explodes with joy.
“What you did last week at the charity event was mind-blowing. If you had told me two years ago that you would make a speech in public, I wouldn’t have believed you. You surprised me, Rachel, and you made me proud. ”
I’ll be wearing this smile for a week. “Thank you. ”
Dad leans forward, rests his arms on his knees and combines his hands. “You know how hard it was for your mother and me to lose Colleen. ”
My joy drains, leaving me feeling cold. How could I expect anything different? I’m here so he can recite the same January speech. I glance over at the framed pictures on the table behind his desk. There are more of Colleen than of anyone else. I should know. I’ve counted them since I was six. “Yes. ”
“And you know how hard this time of year is on your mother. ”
I nod. Colleen’s birthday was the twenty-eighth of December. The charity ball and assorted holiday parties keep Mom afloat, but after the Christmas decorations are boxed away and the donations are counted, she spirals into a month-long depression.
“After Colleen passed, I had no idea how your mother was going to continue, but then she found out she was having you—a girl. The day of your ultrasound was the first time I had seen your mother smile in months. You’ve always given your mom that extra push. ”
I blink twice so my father won’t see tears. Does he have any idea how much I hate this lecture and the role I play in the family? I’m so sick of being Colleen’s replacement.
Dad flashes a surprise smirk. “You remind me a lot of your mother. ”
I tilt my head, shocked by this new twist on the old speech. “Really?” I’d give anything to be like her. She’s beautiful and poised and brave. My heart stalls with a twinge of pain. Isaiah called me brave.
“Yes,” he says as his smile grows. “And Colleen, too. ”
