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What I should tell her is that tonight will be our only money rush. Now that people know how Logan and I race, they’ll either avoid us or not wager as much. I have no doubt we’ll raise the amount we need, but it could still be a struggle.
I also decide to keep it to myself that Eric has eyes on us and that he’ll be unhappy we’re making money.
Rachel finally stops the frantic path she’s wearing onto the subflooring. Her face beams. She’s light in a world full of darkness. Rachel is happy and that’s all I desire.
“We could be together, Isaiah. With no worrying over Eric or debts or anything. We could be happy. ”
Electricity shoots into my veins and shocks me as if I’ve never been alive. I stand abruptly, knocking over the folding chair. My heart races and this surge is something unknown. Something I don’t understand. Something that fosters confusion, panic.
Her eyes glimmer with too much adoration; with too much of an emotion I’ve only seen people give to anyone other than me. I see love in her eyes and it scares the hell out of me.
“You need to go,” I say. My voice is deeper than normal and a tremor courses through my body. My eyes burn as a shadow crosses her face, snuffing out all the light. Damn me to hell. I’m the one who created that sorrow. If I stay with her, she’ll never know light and happiness.
“Isaiah,” she says carefully. “I don’t understand. ”
“Go home. ” I swipe the money off the table and stalk into the bedroom. With three steps, I circle the room and perform the act again. My thinking is messed up, as if I’m high or took a severe blow to the head. My thoughts detach from my mind, away from my body.
“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” comes a soft voice from behind me.
Why hasn’t she left? “Nothing. I’m looking for a place to hide the money. This is a shitty place, Rachel, and awful things happen here. ”
“Like people breaking in,” she says.
That’s exactly what can happen. “Just go. ”
Rachel looks small and defenseless as she rests her temple against the door frame. The dim light of the kitchen silhouettes her frame. Obscured by blackness, I can’t see her face.
“You could give the money to me. ” Her voice is so soothing that part of me clings to the sound. “Where I live is safe. ”
My thoughts collide into one another. The back of my legs hit the bed and I sink onto it. My entire life is one long thick rope full of knots and kinks where people have twisted me inside and out. Nothing about me is solid or sturdy. I’m frayed and tattered. “I’m no good, Rachel. ”
I stare at the cash in my hands. My fingers clench and the money crackles. I won’t lead Rachel further into the abyss. This ends here. It ends tonight. “You need to leave and never come back. I’ll race my car. I’ll pay off the debt. Leave and know I’ll always keep you safe. ”
Silence. Nothing from her. Nothing from me. I close my eyes, cursing the scorching wetness behind my lids. I don’t want to feel anymore. Feelings hurt too damn much.
Quiet footsteps shuffle in my direction and the cash crackles again in my fist. “Go, Rachel. ” My voice is so raw it’s nothing more than a rasp.
The bed moves and sinks to my left. A touch so light I almost believe I’m imagining it presses on my shoulder. “I think I’m falling for you, Isaiah. ”
My head dips. I think I’m falling for you, too, and it terrifies me.
The pressure remains on my shoulder as the fingers of her other hand trace the compass tattooed on my forearm. “I don’t know what love is or how it should feel, but I know that when I’m with you I like who I am, and that’s never happened to me before. ”
I like who I am when I’m with her. The music below us is soft, lyrical with a steady beat. Elvis’s deep voice sings about suspicious minds.
“I like who you are, Isaiah, and I like how you look at me. But what I really like is the rush that hits me when you’re in the room. ”
Because Rachel has always been magic, she gives words to the emotion tearing at my soul. “People don’t attach themselves to me, Rachel. ”
She kisses my shoulder, and a shudder runs through my body, igniting every cell. “Then maybe they don’t know you like I do. ”
The finger tracing the tattoo slides down to my hands. “Give me the money, Isaiah. Trust me to keep it safe. ”
I clutch the money tighter, but as her hands weave around mine, my grip loosens. “Do you understand the trouble, the danger, you’re taking on?”
With her fingers holding on to the cash she whispers, “Yes. ”
I place my hand over hers. “Put it down. ”
