Ry said, “I wish I hadn’t ruined everyone’s life.”
“We decided on our paths too, you know.”Brand adjusted his cuffs.
Alex nodded.
“It has been rough, seeing us grow apart and fight,” Brand added.“But I think we will be stronger for it.No matter the situation, we made our choices and we must live by them, good or bad.”
“I’m so tired,” Ry said.
“We should let you get some rest then,” Alex said, standing.He herded Lon out the exit.
Brand paused, squeezing Ry’s hand.“I understand,” he continued.“Why you fell apart.”With a last pat, he too left the room.
As the door clicked shut, a familiar, suffocating black cloud descended, a cold weight settling in his chest.How would he get through this?Instead of fighting it, he let it wash over him.He turned from the empty doorway and let loose the pent-up ache that had been churning since morning.When had the dream become a nightmare?
A part of him whispered that death was preferable, told him that his friends would be more fortunate, but he screamed and commanded that thought to fuck off.When his face had dried, he slipped into sleep again.
CHAPTER 14: PAST
The city's relentless orange glow drowned out the stars.Ry sank into the saggy, faded lawn chair, its cheap plastic digging into his legs, a relic from Craigslist, a reminder of their fresh start in this new house.A hushed quiet, unusual for Hollywood near midnight, settled around him, broken only by the distant hum of traffic.The air, thick and warm, clung to Ry's skin, an unfamiliar embrace.
Tonight he rested in the evening’s stillness from the hectic schedule they’d maintained the last few months.An opening in Boise, then a full show in Portland, followed by Seattle over two days had been brutal.Only the promise of a return home to greet his old fans had given him the energy to make it through.
This type of overnight success should have ushered in a new life, one where he was great all the time and everything was perfect.In a way, he wished it had never happened.Through the tour, Arend had hounded him about the contract, hammering home the clause about him and Alex being affectionate with each other in public.Maybe it would have been different without Arend.Without Efreet Records.
The back door opened, and he shivered though the night was warm.Alex’s accusing footsteps cracked and crunched the dirt in the backyard, then he hunkered in the chair next to him, the seat creaking under his weight.Ry ground his teeth together.
A car started in their driveway, pulling out into the street.Brand and Lon leaving.
“Ry,” Alex said, his voice flat and quiet.
A sickening lurch twisted his stomach.He stared at the ground until faces emerged from the stones and tufts of grass.Arend’s remarks echoed in his mind: don’t touch him, don’t stand next to him, don’t look at him, don’t even think about him.The betrayal in Alex’s eyes, the deep pleading, and the fights.In Tempe, Ry had screamed and sobbed.In Raleigh, Alex had pounded the wall of the motel so hard that he broke the towel rack.
“What?”he said.
“Look at me.”
Ry obeyed.Alex looked oversized and awkward, as if squeezed into a child’s chair.The scar stood ugly and red on his flushed face.Damp patches stained the tank top that clung to his skin.Bruised circles shadowed his eyes, like the ones Ry had in Nashville when he couldn’t wake up and missed their flight.Rough stubble grew on his chin.His eyes, rimmed in red, held a haunted, distant look.His lips parted, a silent plea or perhaps a confession about to escape, then snapped shut.
A white cat moved behind Alex, leaping onto the coarse, pockmarked concrete wall, a blur in the dim light.Air conditioners droned from the building next door.Ry clenched his arms tightly across his chest.Such a shit.Quitting was impossible, not with the weight of responsibility.He slammed his worn boot against a loose stone, sending it skittering across the sun-baked lawn.
“What do you want, Alex?To berate me again?”
Alex shifted his weight.“No.”Alex sighed.The grit of the earth crunched beneath his feet.“I can’t do this forever.It’s killing me.”
Ry’s throat constricted, and he pinched his eyes shut.“It’s only a few more years, and if we’re smart about it, we’ll come out better.”
Alex stiffened in his chair, his hands clenched on the edge of the armrests.His voice was quiet.“God, Ry, I’m talking about us, not this stupid thing again.”
“That’s the whole thing!Alex, we can be ourselves in private.”
“Privacy?Efreet dictates our every movement.Hell, half the time we don’t even get the same room.But when we do, you never want to touch me.”
“We have time right now, for the next week.This has to be enough.”Ry reached out, but Alex ignored his hand.“What about Ella or Lon’s mom?”
“Don’t.”Trembling, Alex stood and brushed his shorts, his face distorted in the dim light.Alex loomed over him.“This isn’t enough.”
“Alex,” Ry pleaded.“Just chill, it’s going to be fine.We have this week.”
