What could she be doing here, for so long, so quietly, in such secrecy?
I’m deep into the forest when the lights flicker—every pillar, dark, for a split second, before they hold, steady and bright.
I hear a gasp.
She isn’t far. She could be as close as a few pillars away.
My heartbeat picks up, trying to run straight out the back of me instead of continuing on in the direction we’re moving. It’s so strong, and so fierce, I eventually give in: I crouch, in a spot of pitch-blackness, try to calm down. I’m shaking.
The lights flicker again, and this time it’s followed by the blaring alarm, same as before. What’s happened? What’s happening? Did Zesi activate the defense shields like before—did he activate them forreal? Are we under attack? I want to callhim. Desperately, I want to, and it takes everything in me to keep from buzzing him.
Instead, I stay where I am.
I hug my knees. Feel my heart pound against them.
The alarm cuts off abruptly, mid-blare, but my ears keep ringing. Steady, steady: I breathe. Wait. Wish for my mother. Try to trust everyone else to handle what I can’t—try to trust I can handle what I must.
Havenisn’t buzzing anyone, I can’t help but notice. All those offers to help, all those professions of loyalty to the station, and to me—yet when the alarm sounds she is silent. I’m only silent because it would give me away.
Dread falls over me: Does she know she isn’t alone?
Slowly, I stand. The backs of my knees tingle as I straighten. SSL’s sliding doors are pretty quiet against the hum of all the pillars, but if she was listening for them, it’s not impossible that she could’ve heard me come in. Perhaps we’ve even been circling each other, she on her way out, me venturing ever deeper. If I don’t act quickly, she could disappear, slip into any single room of the station, hide there indefinitely. It would take forever to find her.
I take careful steps toward the sound of the gasp I heard, do my best to stay in the darkest spots. It’s impossible to avoidallof the light. Still, I’m pretty successful at keeping myself hidden.
And then.
I see her, sitting on the floor, her back to me. Unlike me, she isn’t shrouded in darkness: she’s sitting close to the pillar,practically drowning in its light. She’s bent over, working on something, a curtain of her shiny blonde hair hanging down on the right side like always.
She looks so achingly familiar—so much like she’s looked on countless late nights when we sat, cross-legged, eating midnight chocolate from my mother’s stash and playing chess. The sight knocks the wind out of me. I can’t move.
I stand, staring, not sure what to say or do—
And then I’m getting a call, the vibration loud enough to rip steel, and that’s it, it’s over.
Haven turns, on her feet in an instant. On the floor is a tray of leaves, shredded.
My eyes travel up, up: to the razor blade in her hand. Traces of belladonna cling to its sharp edges.
I find my voice before she finds hers. “That... isn’t witch hazel, Haven.”
We meet eyes, and she knows, I can tell—she knows I’ve figured out the truth. I’ve caught her in her lies. I watch the full spectrum of fight or flight cross her face, her beautiful face that so perfectly covers such a horrific mind.
She doesn’t run.
She doesn’t move.
The second one of us so much as flinches, it’ll be the beginning of the end. For now, it is checkmate.
My throat constricts. “Why?”
It’s broken, nothing more than a whisper.
She shakes her head, slowly at first, eyebrows knittingtogether, and the expression deepens and twists until it’s pain upon pain, painful to look at. Her careful mask is gone. I’ll never be able to unsee this.
And then she smiles, like she has nothing left to lose. “Whynot?” The smile falters as she falls apart. “All my life, forever,always, I just... I wanted... I didn’t wantthis, but I never get what I want, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?” There’s a look in her eye like she’s surrounded by a thousand fun-house mirrors, all of them bending reality, all of them covered in distorted versions of herself. It’s almost as if she isn’t speaking to me at all. “But you don’t know how that feels, do you? Commander’s daughter—CommanderLindley. You don’t know what it’s like to live in your shadow, or your perfect brother’s shadow, or to never getcreditfor the things you do, because no one sees them at all, right? I only wanted to do something that matters, I swear!” She swerves from pain to laughter and back again. “I was trying to help! They were dead weight and you know it—I was doing my part to save everyone else, Linds, can’t you see?”
My eyes are full of tears that won’t spill. “You wanted to do something thatmatters? You wanted tohelp?” My voice is like rough rock, like a snarl through sharp teeth. “You wanted to beremembered.” I shake my head, and the tears fall. “You offered to help me when you knewexactlywhat was going on.” Even as the words are still coming out, her disjointed logic suddenly makes sick sense: I get it now, and it’s unbelievable. “You offered to help because you knew the answers all along—you created problems only you could fix, a crisis so huge it couldonly be outshined by the person who ended it. You wanted to bepraisedfor solving murders you committed—that is seriously disturbing, Haven.”
