28
‘Itisall men!’ Aidan’s date, Alva said. ‘Everyone thinks they’re the exception, that they’re the good guy. Every. Single. Man.’ She spoke each word separately, as if it was a whole sentence, thumping the table with her fist for emphasis and drawing the attention of nearby diners. It was Tuesday lunchtime and he’d taken Finn’s candidate to one of his favourite fish restaurants in Dingle.
‘But surely?—’
‘No! No buts. It’sallmen, every man. Every one of them is part of the problem. Fuck the patriarchy!’ This seemed to be Alva’s catchphrase. This was about the tenth time Aidan had heard it since they’d sat down.
Alva was a vet who’d done an internship with Finn at his practice in Dingle, an attractive brunette with a short, spiky haircut and great bone structure. Finn had spoken highly of her, saying she wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty and had a great way with cattle. ‘We used to call her the cow whisperer,’ he’d told Aidan, his tone full of admiration.
It wasn’t particularly what Aidan looked for in a woman, but he’d been relieved when she ordered heartily from the menu andthe date had got off to a good start. But it had gone downhill rapidly from there as Alva had got into her stride and ranted non-stop on her favourite topic: men are shit.
‘How’s the sea bass?’ He nodded to her plate, hoping to change the subject.
‘Screw the sea bass! What I’m saying is…’
‘Yeah, I hear you. I get it. I do. But… you knowI’ma man, right?’
Alva rolled her eyes. ‘Aw diddums, am I hurting your feels? Do you think I’m being rude to the poor lickle man-baby?’
Well, yes. Spectacularly rude. ‘I’m just surprised you’re on a date with me. I mean, it sounds like you don’t like men very much.’
‘Hah! That’s my problem. I like them a lot more than is good for me. Believe me, I’d much rather have nothing to do with the whole rotten lot of you.’
‘Thanks.’ Aidan grinned. He was weirdly starting to enjoy this date more than all the others he’d been on. At least Alva was funny – unintentionally, but her antagonism was so random and off the scale, it had a farcical quality.
‘But unfortunately, I’m a heterosexual woman with a healthy appetite for sex. It’s my curse!’
‘And now mine.’ With no compunction to be polite when she was being so outstandingly rude to him, Aidan decided he could just let loose and join in, tit for tat. ‘So you’re just looking for no strings sex?’
Alva put her knife and fork together on her empty plate. ‘Okay,’ she said briskly, sliding her plate aside and leaning forward, ‘cards on the table.’
‘Ah, there’s an agenda? Makes sense. I was beginning to wonder why we were here.’
Alva pursed her lips in annoyance but said nothing. ‘The thing is, I’m not getting any younger and I want to have a child.’
‘Oh, okay.’ He’d forgotten, but Finn had said something about her wanting to have a family. He felt a pang of sympathy for her. If she was desperate to connect and find someone to do that with, she was going about it all the wrong way. Maybe he should give her some pointers – if he didn’t mind getting his head bitten off.
‘So I’m looking for someone to give me some sperm.’
‘Oh!’ Aidan was momentarily stunned into silence. ‘You know there are banks for that… stuff.’
‘I don’t want to go that route. I mean, last resort, possibly. But I’d rather do it the natural way. It makes the whole process less clinical, more fun. Hence this date.’
‘Right.’ Aidan nodded slowly, trying to get his head around this. ‘So you want to have my baby?’ This had just escalated to the weirdest date he’d ever been on, and that was a strong field given some of the women he’d met in the last few weeks.
Alva rolled her eyes. ‘Notyourbaby per se. Don’t flatter yourself. I wantababy and I’m looking for someone to impregnate me.’
‘Well, that sounds fun and non-clinical.’ Aidan shook his head. ‘Sorry, I just need a minute to process. I mean, this is a lot for a first date. I’m trying not to get carried away with the romance of it all.’
Alva rolled her eyes again. ‘Screw romance! I don’t want hearts and flowers and all that nonsense. Just some sperm.’
‘And you thought I’d be a good candidate?’
‘Possibly. I thought you were worth considering at least.’ She fished a notebook and pen out of her pocket and set them on the table. ‘So, you’re healthy, yes?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Any chronic health issues? History of heart disease, stroke, etc. in your family?’
