‘Oh, don’t worry. It’s nothing serious, if that’s what you mean. I’m not expecting a proposal or anything,’ Kate joked.
‘I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.’
‘Last night was just the heat of the moment,’ Kate continued. ‘We’d both had too much to drink and got a bit carried away. It didn’t mean anything.’
It occurred to her that she could almost have been talking about her and Will… except thathadmeant something – at least, it had to her.
‘Honestly, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m sorry if the way I carried on last night gave you the impression that you did. I don’t know what got into me,’ he said, for the umpteenth time.
‘I’m afraid I can’t say the same.’ Kate smiled wryly. ‘I know exactly what got into me – a shedload of alcohol.’
‘And the rest,’ Will said drily.
‘Well, yes, there was the hash cake too,’ Kate admitted, ‘but I wasn’t going to take that ecstasy.’
‘I’m glad to hear it – especially in your condition.’
‘Who needs ecstasy?’ Kate smiled wryly. ‘I’m a girl – I pretty much imagine I’m in love with anyone I have sex with as it is.’ Suddenly remembering that she had had sex withhim, Kate blushed. ‘Well, not everyone, obviously,’ she babbled, back-pedalling furiously. ‘Sometimes you have a one-night stand and that’s all it is – just fun. I can have meaningless sex as easily as thenext girl,’ she said, tossing her head airily in her best devil-may-care fashion.
They were both relieved when their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the next course. Kate seized on the opportunity to change the subject. ‘So,’ she said, rather wildly, determined to get in before Will could say anything, ‘have you thought any more about going to your father’s birthday party?’
The moment the words were out of her mouth, she could have bitten out her tongue.
Will’s face registered surprise, but he didn’t seem angry.
‘Yes, I’ve thought about it,’ he said cautiously, forking Parmesan through his pasta. ‘I just haven’t decided yet.’ He opened his mouth as if to say something else, but stopped.
Kate had always tended to dismiss as wishful thinking her mother’s belief that Will longed to be reconciled with his father. It would be typical of Grace to decide that was how Will felt because that was how she thought he ought to feel. But now she wasn’t so sure. ‘What’s holding you back?’ she probed gently.
He cast her a wary look and seemed to be deciding whether to answer or not. ‘I don’t want him to think—’ He broke off.
‘What?’ Kate coaxed. ‘You can tell me.’
‘I don’t want him to think I forgive him,’ he said, ‘because I don’t.’
She said nothing.
‘Aren’t you going to tell me it was all a long time ago?’
‘No. What has that got to do with anything?’
‘Most people seem to think there’s a statute of limitations on these things. Maybe they’re right.’ He sighed. ‘I suppose it’s not very attractive to bear a grudge for so long.’
‘You can’t help how you feel.’
‘I could say the words. I could say I forgive him, but the fact is, I don’t. I can’t. It would be like saying it’s okay – what he did… what happened to mum. And it’s not okay. It wasn’t okay then, and it hasn’t become okay just because time has passed.’
Will sat back. ‘And it would seem like such a betrayal,’ he added.
‘Of your mother,’ Kate said softly.
‘Yes.’
Kate noticed that Will’s eyes held that haunted look again. She wished she could soothe it away for ever. ‘But he’s your father, Will, and he’s a very clever man. I’m sure he’d understand all that. I think he’d just be happy to see you – on any terms.’
‘Maybe.’ Will was tired of being angry with his father and of keeping up the wall between them. He might not be able to forgive him for the past, but he could stop punishing him for it, which was exhausting and futile, only serving to make him feel more lost and alone. And he was tired of feeling alone. He wished Kate could be there with him when he went to see his father. Pathetically, he wanted her to be there to hold his hand. He wanted her gentle, soothing presence, her calm reassurance, her unconditional support and understanding. Perhaps childishly, he felt that it would be easy if she was there – that she could somehow make everything okay.
By the time they got to dessert, it was late in the day and customers were drifting in for early dinner. The food was delicious and Kate was thoroughly enjoying herself, delighted that Will wasn’t put off by her greed. It was so much more fun than listening to Brian’s neurotic analysis of every morsel he put into his mouth and his nagging about what she put into hers.
