Tessa brightened, deciding the old bag wasn’t so bad after all. ‘Yes, you probably have. I’m Tessa Bond.’
Iris smiled vacantly at her. ‘Oh, you’re not who I thought you were,’ she said.
‘Who did you think she was?’ Owen asked. He had clocked the mischief in the old dear’s eyes.
‘What do you call that woman who does the topless gardening – you know, with all that frizzy hair?’
Georgie blew bubbles into her beer, while Owen roared laughing.
‘She has some man’s name – Jim or Fred or something,’ Iris continued.
‘Charlie Dimmock.’ Tessa was puce with rage.
‘Oh yes, that’s the one!’
Owen thought he might be in love.
‘I don’t look anythinglikeCharlie bloody Dimmock!’ Tessa fumed.
‘Tessa doesn’t do topless gardening,’ Owen explained helpfully. ‘She presents a game show on TV. And she has a diet book coming out next week.’
‘It’s not adiet,’ Tessa explained, with a rictus smile. ‘It’s more of a healthy-eating plan for life. Dieting is such a negative concept – all about depriving yourself. My plan is about making positive permanent changes to your eating habits.’
‘That’s interesting.’ Iris yawned. ‘Do you follow this diet yourself, dear?’
‘I don’t diet. It’s a healthy-eating plan. And, yes, I do follow it.’
‘Poor you,’ Iris said, as she slathered an inch of butter onto her bread roll. ‘I’m lucky – I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want without putting on an ounce.’
‘Fair play to you, missus.’ Owen grinned at her.
‘I’ve always felt sorry for chubby girls who have to diet all the time – it must be such a bore. And it makes you a boring person, too, doesn’t it?’ She was addressing the whole table now.
Tessa was literally lost for words, her mouth flapping open like a fish’s, her face a mask of unbridled fury – a lesser woman than Iris would have cringed.
‘I amnotchubby.’ In fact, Tessa’s weight-loss credentials amounted to nothing more than a brush with bulimia and a couple of fad diets that had seen her go from a slim size twelve to an almost anorexic size six.
‘No, of course not,’ Iris agreed. ‘Your diet has obviously worked wonders – you’re a great advertisement for it.’ She smiled condescendingly at Tessa. ‘I’m sure you’ll sell tonnes of books.’
Owen was roaring with laughter. The daft old bat was priceless!
Undaunted by Tessa’s dagger looks, Iris proceeded to introduce herself to everyone. ‘I’m Rachel’s aunt, on her mother’s side,’ she explained grandly.
‘Who’s Rachel?’ Owen whispered to Rory.
‘Fuck knows!’
‘This is Rachel’s wedding we’re at,’ Tessa spat. ‘That binge you were all on for the past three days was the stag party.’
Owen fixed her with a cold stare. ‘It wasn’t a binge. I do notbinge. This,’ he said, raising the bottle of Jack Daniel’s to Tessa, ‘is a drinking plan for life.’
* **
With the endless speeches, toasts, presentations and cake-cutting out of the way, the bopping and table-hopping began in earnest.
‘Ugh, that was interminable,’ Kate groaned, when she found Freddie. ‘If I don’t get to bed soon I’ll go insane from sleep deprivation.’ Alcohol and adrenalin had carried her through so far, but now she was starting to crash. ‘D’you think anyone noticed I fell asleep during the speeches?’
‘You’re joking, right?’
