Brian smiled at her intimately, catching the look in her eyes.
‘Did you enjoy yourself at the wedding last night?’ Kate asked, shaking herself out of her stupor.
‘Oh, I didn’t stay long, but, yes, it was fun.’ Brian felt a momentary pang of guilt as he thought of the rather desperately eager girl he had slunk off with. ‘It was interesting seeing you there with all your family,’ he said. ‘You’re different when you’re with them. You become an O’Neill.’
‘Iaman O’Neill. What else would I be?’ Kate said.
‘That’s exactly what I mean. When you’re with them you’re an O’Neill. With me, you’re just Kate.’
‘God, you must be the only person in your line of work who’d consider it a problem that I’m close to my family.’
‘I don’t. I just think you’re a bit… enmeshed.’
‘Enmeshed?’ Kate scowled.
‘Yes. Your identity is submerged in the family. You need to differentiate yourself more from them. You need to be Kate, not just one of the O’Neills.’
It was pretty much what Kate had been thinking earlier about how she had felt in Africa. But it was one thing for her to think it and quite another for Brian to say it. He was like the psychological equivalent of a plastic surgeon, believing everyone could be improved with a little work. Why couldn’t he accept her as she was?
‘Your being away the past few months has made me think,’ he said now.
Here we go, Kate thought, sighing inwardly. The relationship discussion.
‘I’ve been giving our relationship a lot of thought while you were away,’ he continued. ‘It’s made me realise how much I care about you and want you in my life.’
Kate had hoped to put off the ultimatum for a bit longer, butnow that the subject had come up, she was determined to stick to her guns and tell him she wanted marriage, kids, the whole bit, or they would have to call it a day and go their separate ways. She would also, she decided, have to let him know where she stood on the subject of pizza. A lifetime of shared pizza was too horrific to contemplate.
She was so anxious, building herself up to present Brian with her ultimatum, that she couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying. Still, it wasn’t really necessary, she thought wearily, as she caught the word ‘commitment’ floating by. It wouldn’t be anything she hadn’t heard from him a million times already – that he wasn’t ready to make a commitment, that you didn’t need a piece of paper to love someone, that he lived ‘in the now’ and you couldn’t legislate for what might happen twenty years down the line, etc., etc.
‘What are you thinking?’ Brian cut into her reverie. He was giving her one of his deep, intense looks. Kate sometimes wondered if he practised them in the mirror.
Marriage, kids, pizza, Kate thought, drilling herself in her head, pumping herself up to say her piece. God, she wasn’t cut out for this – she wasn’t the ultimatum type. Marriage, kids, pizza, marriage, kids, pizza.
‘I still don’t know how you feel,’ Brian persisted.
‘About what?’
‘About what I’ve been saying.’
‘Oh, um, about commitment and all that?’ Kate prevaricated, not having heard a word.
‘Yes, about commitment and all that,’ Brian said mockingly. ‘I mean, I’ve told you whatIwant. I don’t know whatyouwant.’
It was now or never. She wasn’t going to get a better opening. Marriage, kids, pizza, she rehearsed one last time, and took a deep breath.
‘I want my own pizza,’ she heard herself say.
‘What?’ Brian burst out laughing.
Shit! She hadn’t meant to start with the pizza thing – but he’d taken her by surprise. How could she go from pizza to marriage? It wasn’t exactly a natural segue.
‘That’s what I love about you, Kate,’ Brian said through fits of mirth, ‘you’re so basic. I’m here pouring my heart out, and you’re talking about pizza!’
Kate smiled weakly. ‘I’m sorry, it’s just that I don’t share pizzas. I’m a big girl, and I can handle a twelve-inch all on my own. How do you think I came tobea big girl?’
‘You’re not such a big girl any more.’
‘I was beginning to think you hadn’t noticed.’ She had felt a bit irked that everyone else was telling her how fantastic she looked but Brian had remained silent.
