But what would she do with it? Pass it off to Roderick for some werewolf revenge? Not going to happen.
“Who they are doesn’t matter anymore.” At least, it doesn’t matter as long as no one knows. “The problem is that I can’t get what they did to me out of my head.”
Hester leans back in her chair, reaching for her tea again. “You, of course, are aware that I am not a nice person?”
A small hint of a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. “Of course.”
She nods. “So then, you know, whatever I say to you is not in pursuit of placating a fragile male ego.”
“Sure.”
“Your best course of action, while it will likely cause a great deal of immediate discomfort, is to speak to your wolf.”
I open my mouth, but she waves me silent.
“You do not need to mate him. Obviously. I would advise thinking long and hard about the idea before ever agreeing to such a thing. However, you seem fond of the man, and from the state you’re in, I would hazard that hurting him hurts you.”
At this, I can’t help nodding.
“Tell him what mating means to you,” she says. “What your past has taught you regarding the definition of the word. Offer him a chance to rewrite that definition. If you do not like his answer, maintain your ground. You say you want control of your life? You have it. Use it to make yourself as fulfilled as possible.” Her stare captures mine, unyielding. “But if you are not honest with your wolf, he may not be yours for much longer.”
The warning sits between us, dragging away the slight comfort I began to gather in her presence.
But Hester is honest, and I can’t fault her for that.
When I denied Cory’s demand to mate, he made it his mission to wear me down, whittle away at my resolve until I submitted.
Roderick is not that kind of man. He’s the type to listen to the wordno, and if I say it loud enough, he’ll leave me be.
But, gods, does that idea sting. My resolution not to mate doesn’t arise from some urge to be alone. To live my life solo. That’s not how I feel at all.
What I want so badly is to belong somewhere. To build myself a family, even if the members aren’t related by blood.
After my grandmother suffered a stroke that took her from us, my grandfather, who loved his wife more than anything else in the world, wasted away fast. He died not long after. Three days after my college graduation.
I think he held on for that.
And the only family I’d ever had was gone. Ever since the day I got the call about my grandfather, I’ve felt a dizzy anxiousness in the back of my brain. I’m a rowboat whose knot came untied from the dock. There’s nothing claiming me, keeping me steady.
And that’s what I want so badly. To find a new dock. A new home. A new family.
But I’ve learned my lesson, not to just grab on to the first thing that seems steady.
I want ties, not shackles.
48
RODERICK
“It’ll just bethe three of us. I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with it.” Ross stands on the other side of my office desk with his arms crossed as I study the map my pack member showed up with. On it, he’s marked off a route he and two other wolves plan to ride before the snow blows in for the season and makes the roads too icy for our bikes.
My temper is the shortest it’s ever been, so it takes true effort not to growl at the defiance in his tone. Truthfully, Ross has done the right thing by bringing his travel plans to me, even though it’s clear he resents the requirement. The wolf has stayed in line ever since Warner beat him bloody in a Challenge after Ross made veiled threats toward Zoey.
But the guy still has an attitude problem. Maybe I’ll figure out how best to address it when my thoughts and emotions aren’t in a blender.
“I’ll let you know if there are any issues.” My voice is as rock steady as usual. No hint that I want to tell Ross and everyone else to leave me the fuck alone for the rest of the year.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs outside my office has my wolf perking up.
