Luc notices, of course he notices.“I’m not saying you did anything wrong.”He takes a sip of his beer.“I know you, Hayden.And I know why you hold on so tight.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
“No.”Luc sits on a stool across from me.“But maybe you could try to help her understand why, instead of just assuming she knows.”
Christ, he has a point.Because Vanessa looked at me with tears in her eyes and still told me she loved me.Which means I hurt herwhiletrying to love her.I can do better.She deserves better.
“I don’t think she wants perfection from you,” Luc offers after another moment.“I think she just wants to stand beside you in the daylight.”
Something painful twists in my chest.Because in that instant I realize Vanessa never asked me for less intimacy, she asked me for more life.And somewhere along the way, I confused the two.
Luc studies me for another second before grabbing his coat from the back of a chair.“Let’s get the guys and go to Paddy’s.”
“I’m not really in the mood.”
“That wasn’t a suggestion.”
A tired laugh escapes me despite myself.There he is.The leader of the band.Taking charge in the quiet way he does when it’s needed.Luc waits while I grab my coat, and twenty minutes later we’re all sitting around our regular table.
The bartender doesn’t bother asking what we want.He brings a bottle of the good whiskey, four shot glasses and a bucket full of beers.
Luc pours each of us a shot and lifts his glass between us.“To emotional devastation.”
I stare at him, not amused in the least, yet somehow a smile tugs one corner of my mouth up.
He shrugs.“You’re not fun enough right now for inspirational speeches.”
Another reluctant laugh pulls out of me before disappearing just as fast as it came.Because underneath all of it, there’s still one thing sitting in my chest.Fear.And it’s not because I think Vanessa stopped loving me, even though that part somehow feels like it could be possible now.No.What scares me is that I finally found the right woman, but she loves herself enough to know she deserved to be loved better.
And for the first time in a really long time, I realize any control I thought I had when it came to her, to love, to feeling safe, was just an illusion.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Vanessa
Down Bad
Taylor Swift
The first three days are the hardest.Not because I regret what I said.I don’t.That’s the terrible part.I meant every word.But missing Hayden feels a little like walking around like a part of myself has been removed in the most quiet and painful way.
By Wednesday afternoon, I realize I’ve developed the humiliating habit of looking for his car every time I leave the museum, even though I’m the one who asked for space.The first day, I tell myself it’s instinct.The second day, I tell myself it’s habit.By the third, I stop pretending I don’t miss him.Because God, I miss him.
The realization settles like lead in my chest as I step outside into sharp December wind, scarf pulled tighter around my throat while snow drifts lightly across the sidewalks.And despite knowing perfectly well he won’t be there, my eyes search for Hayden in his dark coat and watching eyes as he leans against his Audi wearing his perfectly confident smile.
And every day, nothing.Disappointment hits sharp enough that I get angry at myself.He’s doing what I asked.He’s respecting me, my request, my space.
“Pathetic,” I mutter under my breath while heading toward the train.
When I leave work Friday, a text buzzes, and I grab for it, hoping it’s him, disappointed for only a second when I see it’s from Nicole.
Wine tonight?Maybe alcohol and my charming self can cheer your sad ass up.
A reluctant smile tugs at my mouth despite myself.
My ass is fine.
Quite fine.But your mood, not so much.
