Chapter 20
Elina
Monday.
The September morning dawns with a coolness in the air, a promise of relief from the sweltering heat of summer. There are still plenty of sweaty days ahead but there is hope.
Friday looms like a yawning monster on the horizon, fear taking root in my chest at the thought of being presented to court and council for judgement. Judgement of whether our love is worthy. I have long since earned approval from Vespera and I was stupid enough to feel secure in that knowledge. I never considered that the stakes were actually a lot higher.
I still haven’t decided what happens when Sarah joins Ethan in the world ruled by moonlight. I haven’t decided if I want that for my life. Basking under the stars with the family we are creating for ourselves this summer was more than I could have ever dreamed of. A sense of rightness in my soul.
I know that Marcus will demand an answer to that question. I decide to spend today in the sun. I need to reflect on what it will mean for me to leave it behind. I dress slowly,perusing the expanse of black clothes and decide on a pair of black biker shorts and a t-shirt that says, “I bite back.”
The warm, late summer sun burns my face. Having spent most of the summer living by the light of the moon, the days are overly bright, my skin sensitive. I don’t miss the irony of that, considering the question that weighs so heavily on me today.
Bash is my forever—I can’t ever picture someone else by my side. I turned 29 in August and it was the most perfect birthday I have ever had, because I was surrounded by love I never thought was possible in this place. Bash showed me, through deed and word, that he intends to spend my life beside me. Now, I need to decide if I can spend his life beside him.
In eternoonly means something if I believe it.
Tuesday.
Every day closer to Friday, more fear curls in my stomach, an ever present reminder that we are living on borrowed time, both, in our relationship and with my life. Falling asleep next to the man who has consumed my entire world is as easy as breathing. Waking up and being haunted by the contrast between the warmth of him under the sheets of our bed, and the coldness of his unmoving body, helps hammer home the fact that he lives in the darkness while I pretend it’s possible to straddle two worlds.
Am I prepared to give up everything in the light? To allow the love I have for Bash and our life together to be the sun in my sky? Bash tells me daily that while he does not get to live in the sun, he gets to watch the sun rise each night when he rises and sees my smiling face. His devotion both fills me andbreaks me.
I’ve officially moved into his loft. I’ve brought warmth, color, chaos. I cook in his kitchen. I clutter his once-empty bathroom counter. His space is ours now. Our home. And I don’t want to lose that. I won’t.
Walking through the Garden District, the streets steeped in history and memory, I wander into Lafayette Cemetery No. 1. I run my fingertips across the tombs of my ancestors and friends. I contemplate my name never being on one of these tombs. If I could live forever, would I take the chance?
I can, but should I?
Wednesday.
Only two more sunrises. I don’t think this is the end—I don’t believe that Marcus will ask for me to be turned on Friday though I do believe he will force my hand on my decision. Force me to speak it into existence, that I am willing to sacrifice it all. The decision to give up my humanity for Bash. Lose the rush of blood under my skin as Bash moves inside me. The feeling of him sucking my life’s essence from my throat, my thighs, my wrist. His teeth biting into my breast, lapping each drop up like a prayer and a promise.
Will turning take the need, the passion, we have? Is it a part of my humanity? I can’t help but consider the possibility that Bash is just as attracted to my human heat as he is to my heart.
What of the dark side?
The idea of taking the life of another person, stealing their future to feed my hunger, makes me nauseous. It’s a horrifying thought that if I make this decision, then soon,Iwill be the monster in someone else’s story.
When Marcus makes me declare my choice, why would I delay the inevitable. I should go through with the change rightthere, in front of the king and council. Show them what I am willing to do for love.
I want nothing more than to bind myself to Bash, take thelegame. Leap off the bridge of uncertainty I have built for myself and let myself descend into the shadows.
Bash has left me to my brooding this week, awaiting my verdict similarly to how I await my own judgement. In our nights together, we enjoy each other and dance around the subject he knows I spend my days on. I know there is fear in his eyes reflected back at me, not fear that Marcus will deny me, but that I will deny him. The only thing I know for certain is I refuse to give Bash up.
Thursday.
One more day.
One more sunrise.
One more day that I get to walk amongst the humanity that thrums through Ville de Sang and pretend I am the same. That I haven’t decided to forsake everything I have believed in order to chase down a new future. Forge a new path. Orchestrate a new life.
Accepting, what I know will be offered tomorrow night, will make meprincipessa. It will crown me with new enemies and new family. New responsibilities to the kingdom, things that will require me to consider the good of the night dwellers, the blood-drinkers over the humans. The innocent children, the grandparents. The food and the fodder in wars.
I feel sick sitting on the steps of the cathedral, considering that soon, this will be my home. The modest house in Little Woods that my grandparents bought as a newly married couple, the home where they brought their little baby girl into the world, the house where that little girlbecame a woman and had her own little girl, won’t be for me anymore.
