“I don’t understand.If you didn’t think I’d abandon you, then what was the problem?”
“I couldn’t come back with Billie.My pride wouldn’t let me.I’d run out on the wedding.What sort of person would I be if I’d then come back because I was pregnant?Yes, you would have taken me in, but what was between us had already been determined.We would have had nothing but obligation.”
“That’s a tidy rationalization of your actions.”
She sighed.“I deserve everything you’re saying and I’m willing to listen if it makes you feel better.But don’t let your anger hide the truth.Telling you about the baby would have meant you’d be there, but only because you had to be.”She looked out the window and into the storm.“You didn’t care about the relationship anymore.If you’d really wanted me, you would have come after me.You never did.”
If you’d really wanted me, you wouldn’t have left, he thought, surprised that her leaving still had the power to hurt him.He should be grateful that he’d learned the lesson so early.Given a chance, people you love will leave you.
“I would have been the perfect banker’s wife,” she said.With one finger, she traced the trail of a raindrop against the glass.Another clap of thunder shook the house.“Young, easily trained.I wasn’t important enough to you.I realized that before the wedding.That’s why I ran.And when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t bear the thought of being an obligation for the rest of my life.”
“You selfish bitch.”
She jerked her head around to stare at him.Surprise widened her hazel eyes.Her long braid trailed over one shoulder, but for once the thick silken length didn’t catch his attention.
“I realized—I couldn’t bear—” He mocked her in a falsetto voice.“It’s all about you, isn’t it?Did you ever once think about whatImight want?That I might care about my daughter, want to see her born, watch her take her first step, hear her first word?You’ve taken a piece of my life away.You’ve stolen time that I can’t recover.Worse than what I might regret, you have stolen your daughter’s birthright.Made her suffer when her life might have been easier.There were advantages I could have—”
“Money isn’t everything.”
He dismissed her with a wave of his hand.“I’m not talking about money.I’m talking about people, a culture.A place to grow up knowing that generations before have walked the same path, lived in the same house.Your decision, blamed on me and circumstance, has destroyed two lives.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.A flash of lightning showed the trail of tears on her cheeks.“You’re right.”
He turned and hit the fireplace mantel.“That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“I know.”
“Why?Why did you come back?Why are you doing this?”
“I wanted Billie—” Her voice cracked.“I wanted the two of you to meet.”
“Was it all a sick game?We met.Big deal.Did you think I wouldn’t guess eventually?Who else aside from Charlene knows?”
“No one.”
“Your parents?”
“Yes.”
He cursed.
“I couldn’t tell you.”She took a step toward him as if to beseech him to listen.When he glared, she moved back.“When I first arrived, I wasn’t sure you’d want Billie in your life.She seems tough, but she’s still a little girl.If I’d told you about her right away, you would have been angry and might have said or done something that would have scarred her.”
He spun and walked over to stand next to her.“And you haven’t?You dare to judge me, when you’re the one telling all the lies?”
“I’m sorry.”
“So you’ve said.I don’t care about you, or your apologies.”He raised one hand to rub his temple and she flinched.He didn’t care that she thought him capable of hitting her.“That’s right, Jane.Be afraid.You can’t manipulate me anymore.You’ve taken something precious from me and by God, you’ll pay.”
* * *
By ten-thirty that night the storm had passed, leaving behind wet earth and clean damp air.A few stars braved the clouds, peeking out and winking.Now what?Jane asked herself for the thousandth time.Did she leave, or did she stay?A soft breeze cooled her heated skin.She shivered at the slight contact and pulled her knees up closer to her chest.Unlike Adam’s yard, hers didn’t contain as many trees.From her seat on the front porch steps, she could see out to the street.There wasn’t any traffic this late on a tiny street in Orchard.A few houses glowed with lightsfrom within, but most of her neighbors had already retired for the evening.Her porch light didn’t chase away enough shadows to allow her to forget.
She felt as broken and battered as a board washed ashore from a shipwreck.She supposed it was possible to have handled the situation worse than she had, but she couldn’t figure out how.After Adam had threatened her, she’d fled the room.Charlene had agreed to keep a bewildered Billie for the night.That left Jane free to deal with her emotions and the tears that refused to be halted.Every time she thought she couldn’t possibly cry anymore, she would start again.
Her life lay crumpled around her.She had no one to blame but herself.Adam was right—so many of her choices had been wrong ones.She had deprived him and Billie of each other.Had she been a bad mother as well?She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on her bent knees.She recalled the months she’d struggled to make ends meet, to pay the rent and provide food and utilities for their tiny apartment.Billie’s face flashed before her, the four-year-old’s tantrums when her mother had left for work.Had she damaged Billie?Had she chosen incorrectly?She was willing to admit to some of the blame, but all of it?She groaned softly.She just didn’t know.
Was Adam right?Should she have come home?Was living in a big house better, even if that house didn’t have any love to fill it?Could he have learned to care about her and his child?Could she have lived with the knowledge that she was little more than an obligation?
