“Me, neither.But it sounded good.”He placed his glass next to hers.“Some of this old furniture sure brings back memories.I recognize that.”He pointed to the armoire.
“I helped my mother refinish it.I guess I was a little older than Billie.”She sighed.“I’m sorry, Adam.”
“Don’t be.It’s been a lot for both of us to deal with.Let’s worry about the apologies another time.”
It would be easy to accept his kind offer, she thought.Easy topush her shame away and go on with her life.But that was the coward’s way, and she’d been doing that for too long.
“No, Iamsorry.About everything.”She shifted on the sofa, turning until she faced him.She tucked one leg under her and spread out the full skirt of her sundress.“I’m sorry for the way I left you.”
“But not for leaving?”He sounded bitter.
“I don’t know.”
“At least you’re being honest.”
For a change.He didn’t say the words, but she heard them, anyway.“I’m trying,” she said.
In the darkness she saw his right shoulder rise, then lower.But she couldn’t see his face or the secrets in his eyes.She pulled her braid over her shoulder and began to toy with the end.
“My mother went to art school,” she said, not looking at him.“She was very talented.There are some pictures of hers in the attic.I keep meaning to go get them down, but I can’t.Not yet.”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid of what I’ll see in her paintings.She loved my father, but he didn’t understand her desire to be more than his wife and my mother.He didn’t like her painting or changing the house.”She pointed at the armoire.“He was furious about that.He liked everything to stay the same.Including her.She wasn’t allowed to grow or be her own person.”
“I’m not your father.”
“I know.But…”
He leaned forward and rested one arm on the back of the couch.“Don’t blame me for his behavior.I had nothing to do with that.I would never have prevented you from changing.If you remember, I’m the one who encouraged you to plan on continuing with college after we were married.”
“It’s not that easy, Adam.”She plucked at the ribbon at the end of her braid.When the cloth loosened, she pulled it free, then removed the rubber band.“You wouldn’t havesaidanything, but I would have known just the same.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”he snapped.
“Expectation.You were looking for the perfect banker’s wife.I couldn’t be that.”
“You said that before.I didn’t understand it then and I still don’t.There is no ‘perfect banker’s wife.’I wasn’t looking for a job applicant, I wanted a partner.”
He sounded hurt.She wanted to go to him and offer comfort, but she didn’t have the words and he wouldn’t accept the gesture.Not from her.It was the darkness that made her brave, she realized.That and the fact that she was already so exposed to him.There wasn’t much more he could do or say to hurt her.What was there to lose by speaking the truth?
“I wanted to be that partner,” she said, loosening the braid.“I wanted to be everything.But I was so afraid.”
“Of what?”He jerked up one hand in an impatient gesture.“What was so damn frightening about me?”
“Everything.”
“That’s a big help.”He turned his head and she caught the flash of white as he smiled.
“You, Adam.You’re what’s frightening.You’re so damn perfect.”
“Perfect?Come on, Jane.That doesn’t wash.”
“You knew what you wanted and you went after it.I didn’t know anything, except how I felt about you.Your direction and intensity scared me.I thought I’d get lost inside of you and never find my way out.”She sighed.“That sounds silly.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
She nodded.“Thank you for that.There was so little of me that I’d discovered.I felt that if I became a part of you, there would be nothing left.You wanted so much.What if I couldn’t do it?”
