“You didn’t.” I don’t even hesitate over the lie. He could keep me awake indefinitely, and I’d never complain about his presence in my bed. “You know it’s okay for you to get up if you need, right? If you want to go paint or just sit downstairs for a bit. Whatever you want.”
I almost addyou live herebut manage to swallow the words down. Ewan panics and struggles and runs, and I’m not sure whether grand declarations about our relationship are going to nudge him in that direction. It’s better that I treat him like a startled deer, careful and slow and patient.
“Would it bother you if I did this?” he asks, raising a hand to wave vaguely in the air above us. It takes me a second to puzzle out whatthishe’s referring to.
“Snuggle? No, why would that bother me?”
He huffs, the sound somehow managing to convey both embarrassment and humor.
“Well, sometimes it’s too much. I don’t want to suffocate you. But also…you’re really warm and soft, which is nice.”
“In every relationship, one partner is warm and soft, and the other is bony and cold,” I joke.
“Hey,” I grunt when Ewan’s teeth meet my shoulder, biting gently.
“I don’t mind if you borrow my body heat,” I tell him, smiling when he settles his head back down, hips wiggling closer.
We’re both naked, and I haven’t forgotten his earlier promise of a blow job. But…but there might not ever be a more perfect opening for me to bring up something I’ve been unable to think past each time we make love. If I don’t ask for it now, there’s every chance I’ll never get it in the future. Ewan might be gone, and as depressing a thought as that is, it’s also a possibility I can’t ignore. I need to take what I can get, gather each little moment I can so I have them when I’m in need of the memories.
“You could also…wake me up if you wanted,” I say quietly, body already reacting to the fantasy and Ewan’s proximity.
“Wake you up? No, why the hell would I do that? Insomniacs suffer alone, Shi. We don’t bring people down with us.”
“No, I meant…” Clearing my throat, I fidget, rubbing Ewan’s back a little faster in an effort to distract myself. I never brought this up with Roy, and I feel a little strange bringing it up now. “You could…touch me, while I was asleep. If you like.”
I wish I hadn’t said it the moment the words leave my mouth. How do people ask for what they want without feeling ashamed of it? The answer is they don’t. And if they’re smart, they never ask for it at all and take whatever sex they can get, even if it isn’t quite what they desire.
“What do you mean?” Ewan asks. Even without seeing his face, I know he’s scrunching his nose up the way he does when he’s thinking particularly hard.
“Nothing. Never mind.”
He pushes up onto his elbow so he can make the cutescrunched-nose face right at me.
“Tell me,” he demands. I close my eyes and use my arm to pull him back down on top of me. No way in fucking hell am I asking him for this when I can see the color of his eyes. He falls back against me with a huff and adds, “Tell me, Shi.”
“Sometimes I just have a fantasy about being asleep while you, well…have sex with me.”
“Oh,” Ewan replies softly. I can’t pick out anything from that oh, so I just lie still with my eyes closed and pretend I never said anything at all. It’s a strange thing to ask for, and Iknowit is, which is why I’ve never done so before now.
“Sorry. Just forget I?—”
“Hold on a second,” Ewan interrupts, trying to sit up again, but I hold him in place. I wonder if that’s going to earn me another bite, but he merely harrumphs and settles back in. He puts a hand on the center of my chest, fingers spread, and I relax a little bit. He can’t bethathorrified if he’s still enamored with my chest hair.
“How does that work?” he asks curiously. “Like…you pretend to be asleep?”
“Mm, maybe? I don’t know, I’ve never done it before. It’s just something I think about sometimes.” Often. I think about it often. Actually, every sexual fantasy I’ve ever indulged in has featured someone sleeping.
“Tell me what you think about,” he requests. My face heats, surprised to find this conversation could manage to be more embarrassing. Ewan must pick up on this because he rubs a circle into my chest and adds, “It’s okay. It’s just us.”
“Usually, I’m asleep on my side, and you’re right behind me the way you sometimes like to sleep,” I start, opening my eyes and staring up at the ceiling as I talk through the fantasy. “You just…touch me for a bit, but carefully because you’re trying not to wake me up. And then you get a little braver and keep going, and we have sex.”
“And you’re an active participant? Or it’s still just me?”
“Mostly you,” I admit. I don’t fall into a coma when I sleep, so there’s little chance of me not waking up if someone were to grab my dick. But I imagine I’d pretend a little bit. Keep my eyes closed and my body limp—feign sleep instead of admitting wakefulness. Ewan is silent for long enough that I try to come up with something placating to say beyond the obviouswe don’t have to do this, though. “I know it’s odd.”
“No, it’s not. I do have a question, though.” I hum in agreement, sliding the pads of my fingers over the soft, smooth skin of his back. “How would I know that youwantedto have sex?”
Honestly, I hadn’t considered that as a problem. I don’t know that the prospect of me not wanting to sleep with him is something we should worry about. It’s unlikely enough to be an impossibility.
