We call our homeland Kemet, the Black Land, for its rich, dark soil. But when I think of home, I imagine the depth of obsidian in Meryt’s eyes. He said he loved how mine were golden bronze, but I loved how dark his were, like a warm embrace halfway before waking.
Oh Meryt. Why were you so brave and so bold that you went on to the Field of Reeds without me?
“Rise, dancer. You have lost your partner, your companion leader of all who serve this court in beautiful motion, but in his absence, you will reap the reward for his sacrifice.”
I wanted no reward, only Meryt.
My beloved.
The dusk to my dawn.
But I couldn’t say that, for not even our divine Pharaoh could give it, so what I said as I knelt before his throne the morning after the raiders attacked was, “All I ask of a reward is to mourn Meryt however I see fit. I ask to be left alone and allowed to sit with his body until its funeral preparations are complete.”
“You want nothing else?” Pharaoh pressed. He was a good leader, fair and even tempered. I could have asked for anything on Meryt’s behalf, in honor of Meryt’s service to him, but I knew the truth no one else realized.
Meryt had not thrown himself in front of that spear for anyone but me.
I rose from my kneeling and met Pharaoh’s gaze.
“He would ask for nothing else if our fates were reversed. I want only that, my lord. Only to be with him for as long as I can be.”
“As you say.” Pharaoh nodded. “He is to have the honor of mummification and will join the most prestigious of those entombed in my personal chamber. There will be a place for you reserved beside him.”
“Thank you, my lord.”
“You may go then, to grieve as you please. No one will stop you, wherever you go or whatever you choose to do, until his body has been laid to rest.”
I bowed again in thanks and left Pharaoh’s presence as I had been permitted.
To say I was numb as I left the throne room implied I had any real sense of how I felt. I was adrift. Tired yes, for I had not yet slept and doubted I ever could again, at least not restfully. But I had no desire to go on living. I had no purpose, no brightness. All that was bright and beautiful in my world had been snuffed out with that spear. All because Meryt had wanted to do what was right, whatever he could to help, and I hadn’t refused him.
I couldn’t even be angry with him over that because it was so unfairly selfless, like he always was. He might have sung my praises, but he was the best of us. He was the one who should still be here.
Pharaoh couldn’t raise the dead. Only the gods in the skies could do that, for it was Pharaoh’s duty to maintain balance between the realms, and if all who had perished could be brought back, what then? If I truly could have asked for anything, however, that was all I would want. My beloved, back beside me.
I bathed finally and dressed in a simple white loincloth to express my mourning. Others tried to speak to me, to offer words of comfort or praise for Meryt’s act. General Paser whowe’d performed for last night even offered words of vengeance, the promise that the man who had thrown the spear, still alive but imprisoned, would suffer for his vile acts, and that whoever was responsible for sending the raiders would be caught and made to suffer too.
It was kind of him to spare me such words, but none of it soothed me. Because none of it changed that Meryt was gone.
Even the palace cats tried to console me. It was no doubt they were the gods’ nurturing nature made manifest, Bastet’s emissaries of both playful chaos and dutiful protection. They always knew when something was amiss. They tried warning us when evil was afoot. They lay with the ill and dying. And as I roamed the palace halls, they followed me, nuzzling my legs and chirping up at me in sympathetic tones different from their usual mewing.
When all others had given up, Pasht stuck with me. She was insistent, enough that I paused to lift and cradle her, for I knew Meryt would do the same. She purred, a brief balm of comfort, like the touch of her silken fur. But where I was headed, she could not follow.
I passed her into the arms of another, for I knew that if I merely set her down, she would continue shadowing me.
All I wanted was to see Meryt, and so I went to the royal funerary chamber where his body was being prepared. There were many steps to mummification. All that had been done so far was his body cleaned and lightly wrapped in a linen loincloth not so different from mine. Before I had to ask, the priests and attendants left to allow me time with him.
I had no baubles in my hair today, no adornments, no kohl lining my eyes. I was as bare and as plain as I could be—just like Meryt, lying on the preparation table like he was no more than asleep.
All of his ornaments had been removed for the cleaning, but I had retrieved one item, which I slid onto his left ring finger just as I wore mine. They had cleaned Meryt’s wound well, so it appeared as unimportant as a thin slice across his skin.
The table, with its lion head carvings to protect and guide the recently dead, elevated his shoulders slightly, making it look even more like he might open his eyes any moment and get up.
I took Meryt’s hand. His body had stiffened earlier, but it was pliable again. And cold. So cold. So lifeless.
“I will love you beyond death, beyond anything and everything that might separate us,” I repeated our promise to each other. It was Meryt who had first said it to me, but it had become our mantra, our vows. “Buthow…” I asked aloud, “am I to go on living when you have passed into the afterlife without me? We were supposed to go together. I cannot bear this. I know you would want me to live, buthow? How can I when what made life beautiful was having you in it?
“I know I am being selfish, as selfish as I always am, even if you would deny that. But I am. Did you know it was I who stole your figs those first several meal times I had with you and the other dancers? I blamed Ramose, and he had to write two dozen lines in punishment. You were just so beautiful that I wanted to hate you for also being kind. Then, when I started to like you, I stole Ramose’s figs and passed them off as mine to give to you, so I could still have my own while making you smile.”
