I choose raspberry, and then we sit beside each other in the low chairs facing the water. Toby is out there floating on his back, entirely unconcerned that we haven’t joined him.
Tapping my nails against the unopened can, I realize this is as good a time as any for the coming out conversation. “So, uh...” I start, waitingfor my brother to look at me before I continue. “Can I talk to you about something?”
“You know you can talk to me about anything,” he says.
I do know that. I just never thought this was a conversation I’d be having with him, and I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to say. Slipping my sunglasses over my eyes, I decide to keep it simple. “I’m bisexual.”
Andrew nods. “Thank you for telling me.”
Well, that was anticlimactic.
“That’s it?” I ask. How does he not seem even a little bit surprised? It certainly surprised the hell out of me.
“Riles,” he says with a short laugh, playfully kicking his foot against mine. “I love you. And I also know you better than probably anyone. You’re not the kind of person to get drunk in a bar and accidentally kiss a woman if you weren’t into her. You’re careful. You always think everything through, yet you did that without thinking. So I’ve been sort of expecting this conversation ever since that photo came out.”
Oh.
He’s not wrong, I suppose. I didn’t think it through when I kissed that woman, but Iwasinto her. It just took until after the fact to realize that’s what is was.
With Addison... the spark was instant. I think I was in denial about my attraction to her at first, but now that spark has ignited into a raging fire, making denying it impossible. And I don’t want to deny it.
Cracking open my drink, I take a sip. The bubbles burst on my tongue, and then I taste the acidic sweetness. Andrew drinks his own seltzer, patiently waiting for me to gather my thoughts. He’s surely figured out there’s something going on with me and Addison, but I still want to say it. Because being with her has been incredible, but it’s almost felt like a dream, rather than reality. Telling someone might make it feel real.
“I’ve been fooling around with Addison.” My eyes follow the progress of a small black bug making its way over the sand. “I’m sure you’ve already guessed that.”
“I guessed that you liked her, but I wasn’t positive if anything had happened yet.” Andrew gives my foot another light kick, making me look at him. “And don’t worry, because it’s not too obvious. I don’t think anyone else has picked up on it. Except maybe Toby.”
That’s a relief, though I feel guilty for needing to be concerned about it. “It’s not that I’m trying to hide it,” I tell him. “It’s only that...”
“Youneedto hide it?” The look he gives me is understanding and sympathetic, which only makes me feel worse somehow.
There’s nothing wrong with what Addison and I have done. And I don’t want to treat it as if there is.
“I wish I didn’t have to,” I say.
He frowns. “Maybe you don’t. If you don’t want to, you shouldn’t have to.”
I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.”
“I know it’s not. Most things in life aren’t. But it’s up to you to choose what matters the most to you. To prioritize your own wants and happiness.”
I think about that. Once again, of course he’s right. The problem is that I might want too many things at the same time. And people don’t usually get to have everything they want.
I want to keep making music, because I love it. And I want to be who I am without fear of repercussions. But unfortunately, if I want to keep making music, I’m afraid I won’t always be able to date whomever I want. Not publicly, at least.
Skyler James did it.
That thought comes to me with a hint of bitterness, but also, possibly, some hope. When Skyler came out, there was some backlash from the assholes, naturally. But ultimately, his fans seemed to embrace him even more for it.
Our careers are different, though. Skyler was pretty open with the way he expressed himself from the beginning. Through his style and thechoices he made on stage. His fans were already the kind of people who embraced that.
I can’t be sure mine are.
I’m not trying to sell my fans short. In all likelihood, most average people won’t care one way or another about my sexuality. But it’s the people in charge of things that I most need to worry about. The people with power in the industry who could end my career over it.
A sigh escapes me as I peer out at the lake. Toby’s spinning in circles, his hands out and twirling through the water. He’s openly and unapologetically himself. So is my brother.
I want the chance to be like that too. But I’m not sure how much I’m willing to give up for it.
