Except, apparently, me.
Every unguarded second of me being happy, hoarded and saved and guarded as fiercely as he guards my life. He spent the whole day documenting my joy the way a man documents something he’s afraid of losing, building himself a gallery of proof that he made me laugh, that he gave me a good day, that for a handful of hours the woman the world calls a psycho got to just be a girl on a bike in the sun.
The devotion of it is staggering, and so quiet he’d deny it under torture. He didn’t take those photos for me. He took them for himself.
That he’ll always have proof that this happened.
The strange thing—the thing that catches in my chest and won’t let go—is that I don’t actually want him to.
I am coming to realize, with the slow startled wonder of a woman discovering a new room in a house she thought she’d mapped, that I like this.
Taking photos.
Being in them.
The whole quiet miracle of pinning a moment to a page before it can slip away forever—because that’s the thing about moments, the cruel arithmetic I’ve always known too well: you only ever get each one once, and then it’s gone, dissolved into thegreat indifferent current of time, never to be felt again exactly as it was.
I spent years finding that thought unbearable, which is precisely why I stopped documenting anything. You don’t photograph a life you’re only trying to survive. But suddenly the idea of catching these moments, of keeping them, of being able to hold this exact happiness in my hands long after it’s passed—suddenly that doesn’t feel like grief waiting to happen. It feels like wealth.
Since the photograph in the field with Silas, something in me has cracked open and started to want. I want photos with Riot, all this wind-blown wreckage of a perfect day. I want them with Lucien too—something quiet, the two of us, his rare unguarded face caught once and kept forever. I find myself daring, hardly able to believe my own thoughts, to imagine an album.
An actual album, the kind ordinary people keep, full of our slow stolen days in this controlled little oasis—and then, further, more dangerous still, full of the days after. The future ones.
The ones where I’m finally deemed free and the four of us are somewhere the cameras can’t reach, and there’s a whole life worth photographing because it’s finally, actually mine.
It frightens me, how badly I want it.
An album is a thing you keep for the future—it’s a quiet bet that there will be one, that the moments are worth saving because you’ll be around to look back on them. For years I made no such bet. A woman planning her own survival day to day doesn’t collect keepsakes; she travels light, owns nothing she can’t abandon, leaves no trail and keeps no proof, because proof is just evidence and the future is just the next ambush.
To want an album is to believe, in some traitorous reckless corner of myself, that I have a future worth documenting. That I’ll live long enough to grow old looking at these pictures. That there will be a someday warm and safe enough to hold a bookof yesterdays. The strategist screams that it’s a vulnerability, a hostage handed to fate.
And for once, gloriously, I tell her to be quiet.
I am going to make the album. I have decided. The ex-husband can pry the want for a future out of my cold dead hands.
It sneaks up on me slowly, the realization, the way the best and most dangerous truths always do.
We’re back on the bike, the afternoon gone gold and long, and I’m watching distant mountains roll past the edge of the world—blue and enormous and ancient—when it simply arrives, quiet and complete, and lands in the center of me like a struck bell.
For the first time in years, I am not surviving.
I am living.
There is a difference, and I had forgotten there was. Surviving is what I did at Blackthorn, for three years and more—the constant calculation, the perpetual bracing, the grim animal arithmetic of staying alive one more day inside carefully controlled walls. It is vigilance with no horizon.
But this—the wind and the road and the mountains and the man—this is the other thing.
This is the thing surviving was always supposed to be in service of, the reason you bother to stay alive at all, and I had been at war for so long I forgot it existed. The world is so impossibly large out here. So much vaster than the reinforced glass and the locked wards that were my entire universe for three lost years. I had shrunk to fit my cage without noticing. And now, hurtling through a landscape that doesn’t end, I feel myself unfold.
The cruel, clarifying truth riding shotgun with the joy is this:they almost took it from me for good.
The ex-husband, the institution, the system that filed me under irredeemable—they nearly succeeded in convincing methat surviving was all I would ever get, that a cell and a sedative and a life measured in incident reports was the most a creature like me could hope for. I had started to believe it.
That’s the part that frightens me now, looking back from the open road:how close I came to accepting the box.
How nearly they shrank my entire concept of a possible life down to the dimensions of a ward. One day on the back of a motorcycle has shattered that, shown me the lie of it in a single afternoon of mountains, and I will never again let anyone—husband or warden or well-meaning doctor—tell me that surviving is enough.
I have tasted living.
