Despite the heavy feeling in my heart, I laugh. Why did I push him away so hard back then? He’s making jokes to make me feel better. Isn’t that the kind of guy you make a life with? I want to reach across the table and kiss him but I need to get through this part and maybe let him know what else I’ve been thinking.
“I mean in Eagle Rock there aren’t any really wealthy people. So, when I got to Clarkson, I immediately felt like there was something wrong with me.” The words tumble out faster now. “First off, everybody assumed I was straight, then they assumed I could afford to go to Starbucks after class every day. It made it hard to open up about who I really am. I felt shut down. Until you came along.”
Brady is now very still.
“You always made me feel okay to be me,” I say.
“That’s really nice of you.” Brady tilts his head down and looks at me through his long lashes.
I turn to face him fully. “In Chicago, when I found out what your parents did, it made me question all of that. It made me feel like it wasn’t okay to be me again. That I was the ‘scholarship kid’ even to you, and that felt awful, and I lashed out because I was ashamed. I felt ashamed of who I was.”
“I’m sorry. You know that’s not at all how I wanted to make you feel. I would never want you to feel that way too.” Brady’s warm eyes are full of a care and sincerity I can feel.
“I know that now,” I say to reassure him, but then realize what he said. “But what do you mean, ‘too?’”
“Do you have any ideas how many times I tried to approach you on campus to apologize. To talk.” Brady shakes his head. “At the dining hall. On the quad after your genetics colloquium. I even went to that secret study spot you thought I didn’t know about.”
“Wait,” I sit up in my chair. “The one behind the reference desk on the third floor of Lipton? You knew about that?”
Brady looks at me and tilts his head. “Where do you think all those random cans of Mountain Dew came from? The soda fairy?”
“I just thought the person before me…” Brady’s always been looking out for me. Even when I didn’t deserve it.
“I’m the soda fairy.” He shakes his hands with the fingers spread out.
“Thank you,” I say. “But why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“Because I was ashamed too. To be clear, I didn’t know what my parents were up to. Not completely. But the fact that I didn’t question it more made me realize that I never questioned any of the ways they had controlled my life. I never questioned the fact that they paid for everything. I was ashamed of that. So ashamed that I couldn’t even talk to you about it.”
“I didn’t know that. I think of you as so strong and clear about who you are.” I think of him standing in the doorway of his apartment in his underwear in broad daylight before our spring break trip. But that’s just one aspect of Brady, and I know there’s more. “I should have taken the time to understand you better. You can’t help being born into wealth any more than I can help being born broke. I’m sorry you felt that ashamed. I know that feels terrible.”
“Thanks, Hayes. I appreciate that.”
We sit in silence, just enjoying being together. My entire body feels the release of being on the other side of this conversation.
“Weird, huh?” Brady says.
“What?” I ask.
“We were both feeling the same thing, but for different reasons.” He kicks his head back and announces to the entire place: “Shame fucking sucks!” I’m not sure anyone can understand what he said but a few people look over and nod. “There’s a reason we have a parade called Pride. Even if you’re raised like me, where my sexuality wasn’t an issue, shame can creep in anyway. I think being queer in this world makes us maybe more susceptible to it. I don’t know. But I’m glad we can talk about it.”
“Me too,” I say. “I don’t think either of us were ready to get to this level of conversation a year ago.”
“Maybe not,” Brady says, and he gets a faraway look in his eyes like he’s thinking about everything that’s gotten us to this place. Then he snaps back to the present. “Oh, wait. Did I make you feel that way just now? When I told you about the For Us money?” His face twists.
“No. I need that money to make my deposit. You gave it to me freely and without any strings, because you wanted to help me. And I earned it. We earned it.”
“That’s all true.”
“Last year I would have marched out in a storm of righteous indignation. But I’ve learned there’s a difference between feeling like you’re less than everyone else and accepting help when you need it.” I think back to the medical museum in Berlin and sitting between the well-intentioned but erroneous classical anatomy drawings and the painstaking corrections that paved the way for new discoveries. “I had this picture of myself as a charity case and I needed to revise it with new information. This trip is making me realize that the boxes I’ve used my whole life to make me feel safe, might not work anymore.”
Brady breaks into a grin that transforms his whole face. “I’m impressed.”
“But there is one condition about the money.” I hold up my finger. “It’s a very important one, and I want you to give it serious consideration.”
Brady runs his hand through his blond curls, making them stick up at odd angles. He’s nervous about what I am going to ask, but he can’t be half as nervous as I am.
Chapter 38
