“What the fuck does that have to do with any of this?”
“My dad says that’s why I’m the way I am.”
“What does he say you are?”
“Mean, selfish, and lazy. He says I’m so mad about being a cripple that I take it out on people who aren’t. He says I use it as an excuse to get out of chores.”
“Fuckin’ bullshit. I don’t think you’re mean or selfish.”
She smiled weakly. “You’re biased, although my dad’s right about me being angry. I do have a lot of rage inside me because of this.” She pointed to her leg.
Diablo watched her for a couple of seconds, then inhaled deeply. “Were you born that way?”
“No. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Once you told me you’d tell me if I asked. I’m asking. What happened?”
She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on the top of them. “I had an accident when I was fourteen.”
“What type of accident?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Why don’t you wanna tell me?” He rubbed her back.
“I fell off the roof. My dad had built an addition on the first floor and it was under my bedroom. The roof on the addition was flat and I could climb out my window and sit on it. I used to go out there when the yelling got to be too much in the house, and later it was my escape from my dad. From where I sat, I could see the whole neighborhood, and I used to pick out a pretty house and pretend I lived in it and had a normal life. Anyway, I slipped and fell and had a bad break from my knee down. The doctor said I had a severe displaced break. I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. All I knew was that it hurt real bad. Then he said something about my growth plates and how my bone would stop growing. He said I’d have a limp. There was nothing he could do to prevent that.”
He wrapped his arms around her and covered the side of her face and neck in feathery kisses. “I’m so sorry, Fallon.”
She shrugged. “I’m used to it.”
“Are you telling me the whole story?” He moved back a bit.
Her head jerked up. “Yeah. Why?”
“In your dreams you’re telling someone to get away from you. That you want them to stand back. You scream and it sounds like you’re falling.”
“I say all that when I’m asleep? It’s obvious I’m having a nightmare.”
“The same one over and over? You need to trust me, Fallon. I know it comes hard for you because it comes hard for me. I see some of me in you, but we’ve found each other through all the fuckin’ landmines we’ve had to dodge in our lives. Take a chance and trust me. I know you’re scared as fuck, but I’ll make sure to keep you safe. By trusting me, you’re givingusa shot.”
Staring ahead, a dazed look covered her face. He let her be, waiting for her to respond. A few moths flapped against the window, their wings frantic against the screen as light poured out from the room. After what seemed like a lifetime, her monotone voice cut through the frenetic beating of the wings. “That day, I’d run up there to hide from my dad because he was in one of his moods and I wanted to get away from him so he wouldn’t beat me. He searched the house, getting madder and cussing louder. Then he stuck his head out my window and looked down. I tried to hide against the brick, but he saw my feet and came out to get me. He smelled like sour musk and I thought I was going to throw up. I scrambled to get away from him, but he grabbed me and pulled me back. He was so angry. He told me that if I wanted to get away from him that badly, then he’d help me. He pushed me off the roof.
“At first he wasn’t going to take me to the doctor, but it hurt so much and I was running such a high fever that he got scared and took me to the emergency room. The whole way there, he kept threatening that if I told them what really happened, I’d be sent to a foster home where I’d be raped and sexually abused daily by all the men in the house. He kept telling me he loved me, that it was an accident, and that I’d made him so mad he didn’t know what he was doing. So when the doctor asked me if my dad had anything to do with what happened, I said no. He’d been concerned because he saw some fading bruises I had from a beating, but I’d told him I was a tomboy and loved climbing trees and roofs.”
The room was totally quiet—even the moths had stopped beating their wings.I’m gonna kill the fuckin’ bastard. I’m not gonna tell her, but I’m gonna do it.He untangled her arms, gently pushed down her knees, and drew her into his embrace. As she cried, he ran his hands up and down her back.How could the bastard do that to his own kid? Fuckin’ sonofabitch!But then he remembered how his mother used to spend all the money they had buying meth while her four children went to bed hungry night after night. If it hadn’t been for the free breakfast and lunch the school had provided for indigent kids, they rarely would’ve eaten.
“Why the fuck do parents have kids if they don’t want to love them?” she whispered.
“Fuck if I know.”
“Tonight, when you beat my dad, I was all twisted inside. I actually hatedyoufor hurting him. Is that fucked or what?”
“Fuck if I know. My mom loved getting high more than us. It used to piss the shit outta me when I’d come home from school and my youngest sister would be sitting on the floor eating crumbs off it ’cause she was so damn hungry. And our mom would be strung out on the couch, staring off into space. At those times, I hated her more than anything. But when she went through a period of getting clean, and the house was tidy, and dinner was on the table, and she smiled a lot, I fuckin’ loved her.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Fuck if I know. Some days I do, and some days I wanna slit her throat for fucking up our family the way she did. But I mostly don’t think about her anymore. When my brother died from an overdose, my mom died for me as well. I never want to see her.”
