“We are in a mess,” Jonathan said softly.
“Noah is going to be devastated,” she told him. “I don’t think he realizes that this isn’t forever. He knows that you and I have argued about this house, and that there’s been friction between the two of us. But I don’t think he’s ever really absorbed the idea that the three of us are not going to stay here and be a family. It’s going to crush him when one of us leaves. That’s why I want to try to find his family. We can’t give him what he wants, and I want to see if there’s anyone who can. I just want to know that we’ve exhausted every option. I want to know that we’vetried. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” Jonathan said.
“So then you’ll do it? You’ll help me look for his parents?”
He regarded her steadily. “You never thought I would say no, did you?”
“I had no idea.” This was true. She had been hesitant to come in here precisely because she’d had no idea how he was going to react to her request.
“Of course I’ll help,” he told her. “When you get all excited like this, when something hits you so passionately, I can’t help but want to do whatever it is you’re asking for. I can’t say no to you when you’re like this, Violet.”
Violet’s heart hammered. What did he mean when he said things like that? Didn’t he realize how that sounded? He seemed…well, the truth was that he seemed as if he was enamored of her.She didn’t know how to process that, didn’t know what she was supposed to say.
All she said was, “Thank you.”
“I’ll start now,” he said. “I’ll speak to some people I know who would be good at helping with this sort of thing, and we’ll see what we can turn up. Maybe someone will know something about people who have given up a child.”
“And if it turns out that he was mistreated by them…”
“They’ll never see him,” Jonathan swore. “Not unless we can be certain that it’s safe and a good idea for him. We can try to learn who they are and what happened back then without exposing Noah to them. If it turns out they’re the kind of people I’m afraid they are, we’ll never tell Noah we found them at all. We’ll just turn them over to the authorities, and that will be that.”
Violet sighed. “I hate even suggesting this,” she admitted. “I wish we could just…”
But she trailed off. What did she wish they could do? The true answer was so laughable that she knew she didn’t dare to speak it aloud to Jonathan. She wished they could stay here and keep playing make-believe. That they could spend their days making picnics and their evenings reading books about animals, and that when Noah called themmum and dad,they could smile and feel that warm feeling of belonging.
She wanted to pretend that this was her family. That Noah was hers. And that Jonathan…that he’s mine too. That we have some claim on each other, some way of making all this permanent.
But she couldn’t go on pretending that. To do so would be to lie to herself, for Jonathan had never seen the situation that way. She couldn’t allow herself to forget that he was only here, in the end, because he wanted the house. Not for her. Not even for Noah.
If we find Noah’s parents and discover that it’s right for him to reunite with them, it changes everything,she realized.It would mean that there’s nothing tying me to this house anymore. I need a place to live, but it doesn’t have to be here, and Jonathan has agreed that it would be fair for him to provide me with a different home if he keeps this one. If Noah isn’t here, I have no reason to stay. The whole thing could be resolved.
Her heart felt heavy at the thought.
She wasn’t ready for all of this to be over.
But the difficulties they were having in sorting it out were starting to affect Noah, and that was just something she couldn’t allow to continue.
She got to her feet. “Thank you for speaking with me about this,” she said. “And for agreeing to help find his parents. Whatever we learn, it will be good for us, I think.”
She couldn’t wait to hear what his response would be. She started to move toward the door.
But he was faster. He got up and stepped directly into her path, intercepting her. She gazed up at him, heart pounding.
“I just hope you know,” he said quietly, “that I think you’re wonderful to him. You’re a good influence on his life. We’re not his parents. But if he was to have a mother, I don’t…I don’t think he could do much better than you.”
She sucked in a breath. It was a miraculous thing for him to have said, a beautiful way for him to see her. Her heart pounded, and she thought that if any man was ever to kiss her, this would be the moment. Right after a comment like that one. She wouldn’t rebuff him. She wouldn’t be able to.
But he wasn’t leaning in. There was no sign that he had intended his comment to spark these feelings.
They weren’t real feelings, she told herself harshly. There was no reason for her to be thinking this way. She had gotten carried away because she had envisioned the three of them as a family, but now that fantasy was being deconstructed. It was all going to go away, and she wasn’t helping matters by allowing daydreams of illicit kisses with Jonathan.
“I should go,” she murmured.
He took a step back, almost as if to release her. Certainly, the tension between them eased, and she was able to turn toward the door.
But a thought occurred to her, and she turned back. “You would be good for him too,” she said. “If it…if it goes that way.” Because it still might. There were so many possibilities here. It was just that none of them matched that singular fantasy. “You would be a good father to him.”
