Jude looked down at the tissue in her hand. Emmy had already done the math for her.
“That’s the unforgivable part—not that I left, but that I stayed away. My absence had all these ripples throughout Emmy’s life. When Jonah was abusing her. When she almost died giving birth to Cole. When she struggled to get back on her feet after the divorce. When she lost her friendship with Hannah. When Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. When Dad was murdered. I should’ve been here. I could’ve helped.”
“Are you forgetting what it’s like to be a Clifton? You’reeither on the inside, or you’re freezing out in the cold. There’s no way in hell Myrna would’ve welcomed you into Emmy’s life. Everybody would’ve followed her lead. They would’ve put you in Siberia. All you could’ve done was move away with Emmy, and you would’ve never taken that child from the only home she’s ever known.”
Jude pulled at the tissue, shredding it into pieces. She knew that Celia was right, but it gave her no absolution. “I spent most of my career interviewing mothers who lost their children. They all talked about this physical connection, how they felt tethered to their child, how that bond was unbreakable. I told myself in my head that I understood. That I was a mother, too. But since I’ve been here, since I’ve spent time with Emmy, I feel a physical ache every time she pulls away from me. The pain is excruciating.”
She looked at Celia, because this next part was almost too much to bear.
“I can’t understand how my own mother didn’t feel the same way about me.”
Celia rested her hand on Jude’s. “I’d be lying if I told you I know how Myrna felt. She never told anybody. She hated talking about her feelings. She’d walk across hot coals before she’d admit she was wrong about anything. You know she was a proud woman. She never apologized. She never, ever asked for forgiveness.”
“She asked for me.” Jude heard the desperation in her own voice. “You told me that. Emmy told me. She kept asking for Martha.”
“Well, don’t let it go to your head. She asked for Tom Jones, too.”
Jude laughed so that she wouldn’t cry again. Her nose was running. She dabbed at it with the shredded tissue.
Celia leaned over, fished more tissues out of her bag. “Jesus Christ, we used to be the hottest pieces of ass in this town and now we’re a couple of old ladies who carry packs of Kleenex in their purses.”
Jude laughed again as she wiped her nose. “I told Emmy you and I used to do blow with Tanya Rawley.”
“God, I loved cocaine.” Celia was looking at the house. “Howmany times did I stand in this driveway watching you climb down that trellis so we could hitch a ride to the river basin?”
“I can’t climb anything now. My knees are shot.”
“I couldn’t walk the half mile down the road to my house if you paid me.”
Jude wiped under her eyes. She flipped down the visor to fix her mascara. An index card was tucked into the mirror. Jude recognized her mother’s handwriting.
Exculpate—to free from guilt, responsibility, and blame.
Celia said, “Funny, right? Myrna wrote out those cards before she lost her memory. Wouldn’t tell us why because she never told anybody why she did a damn thing.”
Jude slid the card out from the visor. She felt the loss even more deeply now, the phantom pain of a missing limb. “Mom gave this to you?”
“Not really. A few months back, she left it in one of my flowerpots when she thought I wasn’t looking. Probably thought I was the cleaning lady.”
Jude started to tuck the card back in place.
“Take it,” Celia said. “It just makes me sad to look at it. I miss the old goat.”
Jude held the card in her hands. It didn’t feel right to put it with the one in her back pocket. “I’m flying home to San Francisco tomorrow afternoon. I think Emmy needs some space.”
“You give a Clifton some space, you might as well move to Mars.”
“I need to regroup. Emmy’s so vulnerable right now. She needs to grieve. To find a way back to herself. I can’t put my needs above hers. Sometimes, the truth can be more damaging than a lie.”
“Don’t you think she has a right to know who her real mother is?”
“Myrna was her mother.” Jude had never said the words before, but she had to accept them. “She raised Emmy. She was here. I’m the one who abandoned her.”
“Jude—”
“Thank you, Ceals.” Jude grabbed her hand. “I want to keep you in my life. Both you and Tommy. I want you to come visit me.”
Celia guffawed. “Tommy would rather eat rat poison than get on a plane, but I’ll take you up on it. I’ve always wanted to see Alcatraz.”
