Oliver put his hand on my knee and shook his head. ‘I’m not scared. It’s just . . . life is moving so quickly. Molly is constantly changing and growing, and us! – Our identities have changed. We’re no longer Phoebe and Oliver; we’re mum and dad. It’s a head-fuck when you think about it.’
‘Do you think your new role has changed how you feel about Phoebe?’ Pam asked. I took a deep breath, unsure of whether I wanted to hear his response.
‘God no, I love Phoebe just as much as I always have. I think it’s changed the way I think about myself. What if I’m a shit dad? What if I’m not good enough? What if she eventually decides she can do better? Christ, I just don’t want to end up like my parents.’
I sat there stunned. Suddenly the most self-assured man I’ve ever known was worried that he wasn’t good enough and his hands were trembling. He was also sharing more here than he had with me since Molly was born. Pam kept quiet as I took Oliver’s hand in mine. I had zero idea he felt like this. I felt my voice start to wobble.
‘I fucking love the bones of you, Webb. I always have. You and Molly – you’re the reason I breathe. I didn’t know you were that worried. You never—’
‘Course I’m worried!’ he snapped. ‘We’re in bloody therapy! What if we never get back what we once had? God, my mouth is dry. Is it warm in here?’
Pam poured Oliver some water. ‘The fact that you’re here is one of the healthiest decisions you could make for your relationship,’ she said calmly. ‘However, getting backwhat you once hadis unrealistic. You are different people now. You know more. You’ve experienced more. What you can bring to your relationship now is far more valuable than what you could, say, five or ten years ago. If you’re ready for the next step, I think you’ll find it very useful.’
Oliver sipped his water and nodded at her.
She smiled. ‘Great. The next step is to do nothing at all because the next step is abstinence . . .’
Saturday February 11th
Drinks with the girls last night; our first night out in ages and fucking hell, how I’ve missed it. Oliver had agreed to stay in with Molly, giving me the chance to run Pam’s next idea past Hazel and Lucy. We started off in a pub near Central Station before moving on to Merchant City, planning to stay until closing, but under no circumstances end up leathered in a club at 3 a.m.
‘Abstinence? I thought you went to therapy to get your sex life back, not remove it entirely!’
Lucy took her wine from Hazel, who’d just got our third round in at the increasingly noisy bar. ‘What did I miss?’ she asked, handing me my Jack and Coke.
‘Abstinence.’
‘What? You wanted absinthe?’
‘No! Abstinence! Phoebe’s therapist has told them not to go near each other for two weeks!’ Lucy exclaimed. ‘TWO.WHOLE. WEEKS.’
Hazel looked surprised. ‘But you weren’t shagging anyway. How does that help?’ The wine spilling all over her hand let me know that she had definitely arrived in tipsy-town.
‘Seemingly, there’s a huge difference from not having sex to not beingallowedto have sex,’ I replied, stirring my drink with my straw. ‘It’s all to do with wanting what you can’t have.’
‘So you can’t do ANYTHING?!’ Hazel seemed more horrified than Lucy. ‘Damn. I’m kind of sorry I suggested you see her in the first place.’
‘Oh, we’re allowed to flirt!’ I responded. ‘We’re allowed to be verbally sexual, make lingering eye contact, exchange photos . . . basically wind each other up. But no physical contact, regardless of how much we want to. And masturbation is also discouraged.’
‘YASS! I love that idea.’
We both stared blankly at Lucy. ‘You’re kidding. Right?’
‘Come on! It’s genius!’ she insisted. ‘By the end of the week, Oliver is going to be so wound up, he’ll last about three strokes! You’ll both be gagging for it. Your therapist is a mastermi—CAN I HELP YOU?’
It took me a second to realise that Lucy wasn’t offering her services, but was directing her question towards two men in their twenties at the next table who were listening in to our conversation. Red-faced, they both turned away and began to chat.
‘I suppose she’s right,’ Hazel agreed. ‘You need to make Oliver remember just how seductive you can be.’
I took a big swig of my drink. ‘I’m just not sure Oliver is into the idea. I mean, he’s been opening up a bit more but he hasn’t mentioned this since we left Pam’s office. I don’t want to send him pictures of my boobs if he’s going to be less than receptive . . . SERIOUSLY, BOYS. WE’RE NOT THAT INTERESTING. BUGGER OFF.’
They started laughing but Hazel leaned across towards them and in a sinister tone said, ‘If you don’t stop being a nuisance, I will pretend to be your very loud, very drunken mother, completely embarrass you and make sure that you have no chance of pulling anyone in this bar.’
They soon found another table.
On the taxi ride home, I decided that I’d speak to Oliver the following day and make sure he was on board with the abstinence thing. I planned what I’d say, in the least confrontational or demanding way possible. And maybe if I did it in a really sexy dress and flirted a little, I’d get a better idea of just how irresistible he finds me.
Sunday February 12th
