Only kidding – I’ll text you a couple of sites where they teach you how to do it. I’m not emailing them from work, I’ll get sacked. Warning though, I have thrown up a little doing this. Grim. But apart from that, you’ll be rewarded in heaven by never having to do it again!
I waited twenty whole minutes before she sent me two links through WhatsApp, both how-to guides on how to take a whole dick into your throat for beginners. There’s no way I’m reading these while Molly is around.
Saturday April 15th
Oliver took Molly out on her bike this morning which gave me time to read through the links Lucy sent me.
Practise first! Use something penis-shaped like a banana or a dildo and insert it into your mouth until it hits your gag reflex. Practise doing this for a few minutes at a time until the need to gag has gone. This can take anything from a day to a few weeks.
A fucking banana . . . I’m going to have to simulate oral sex on A FUCKING BANANA?! I threw my phone down on the bed.
I have so many questions. Do I keep the skin on? What if I do it unpeeled and it breaks and then I die with an entire banana wedged in my oesophagus? Or what if it gets stuck but I can still breathe through my nose and I have to go to A&E and explain why I don’t eat bananas like a fucking human?
Can I use a vibrator instead of a dildo? Do I need to take the batteries out?
Did perfect Ruth have to do this or was she born without a gag reflex as well as body fat?
Fuck, did LUCY DO THIS? I texted her immediately.
Please tell me you didn’t go down on a banana to perfect this.
Fuck no. I hate bananas. I bought a new dildo. I wasn’t putting any of my old toys in my mouth. You like bananas, though. And it’s cheaper . . . Plus if you vomit, you can just chuck it in the compost bin.
Don’t speak to me or my bananas ever again.
It took me until Oliver and Molly came home to decide whether sticking something down my throat repeatedly until I stopped gagging was worth it. Was an extra couple of minutes of pleasure for Oliver worth potentially vomiting? Did I really need to outdo Ruth, who’d already been dumped in favour of me? Was I really that immature?
Course I fucking was.
Tuesday April 18th
NURSERY HOLIDAYS ARE OVER! NORMALITY RETURNS!
Oliver dropped Molly off at Maggie’s this morning as I skipped into work, happy to be free from my darling family for a whole eight hours. Lucy was equally pleased to see me, presenting me with a croissant and latte as I walked through the door.
‘What did I miss then?’ I asked, wondering why Lucy and I were the only ones in at 9 a.m. ‘Jesus, it’s quiet. Where is everyone? Ooh, did the dickhead Rapture finally happen?’
She sat on the edge of my desk. ‘Dorothy is in London, Kelly is on holiday and fucking “heid the baw” phoned in sick. It looks like it’s just me and you, Peggy Sue. I’ve left a message with Dorothy to phone me back ASAP but since she’s leaving soon, I doubt she’ll care.’
‘Oh man. Whoever decided we didn’t need more staff was an idiot,’ I replied, biting into my croissant. ‘I guarantee someone will get their arse kicked for this.’
Lucy nodded. ‘You know what this means though?’
‘We order in a pizza for lunch and charge it to the office because we can’t leave the phones unattended?’
‘Cooorrrect! I’ll get the menu . . .’
*
I opened my emails and sighed as I was faced with two weeks’ worth of spam, complaints and nonsense from Lucy she’d sent me in my absence. Literally the moment I turned off my out-of-office message, one popped up . . . from Jay. Shit. I opened it tentatively.
From:Jason Dainty
To:Phoebe Henderson
Subject: Advertising
Hi Phoebe,
