Pam nodded and wrote something on her little pad. ‘Oliver, what did you choose?’
‘“Danger! High Voltage”,’ he replied promptly.
My head spun around to look at him. Was he serious?
‘Why?’ Pam and I said in unison.
‘I dunno, it’s the little things,’ he replied. ‘It’s hard to explain. It could be a look, or the way she puts on her lipstick or when she makes me laugh – like really hard. I just lose it. She gets me so fired up, it’s unreal.’
His song started playing in my head, suddenly taking on a whole new meaning, so I kissed him. I kissed him like Pam wasn’t watching.
Did Bethany kiss him like this? Did she get him fired up?Did he get hard?I stopped and pulled away, cursing the omnipresent voice of fucking doom in my head. ‘Are you alright?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘I want to be, Oliver! I really do! I want to kiss you, but when I do . . . see, not only did you bring her into our relationship, you brought her into my head. That is so unfair.’
‘Good, Phoebe.’ Pam smiled while her head bobbed in approval. ‘This is a process. Unfortunately you won’t know where the stumbling blocks are until you trip over them. Oliver, do you want to respond to Phoebe?’
‘It was unfair of me,’ he agreed, ‘but I don’t know what else to say. Couples move on from this, right? We can move past this.’
Pam didn’t respond and for once we were both left with the realisation that if we can’t move past this, we’re in deep shit.
Saturday May 6th
Lucy and Kyle have set the date and she’s now panicking in advance. Most couples have at least a year to plan, she now has six months. I had to calm her down over coffee. Hazel, an actual real life married person, also attended.
‘The venue I liked had a cancellation. November the 11th. Do people actually have weddings in November?’
‘Of course!’ Hazel proclaimed. ‘You’ll be an autumn bride.’
‘Oh, God, there’s a name for it. Should I be reading up on this? Are there seasonal rules I have to adhere to?’
I slid half of my cheesecake across the table towards Lucy, who looked like she needed it more than me.
‘You can have whatever kind of wedding you want,’ I insisted, before Hazel could start frantically Googling ‘Autumn Brides’ – ‘as long as you don’t make me wear yellow. I’m too pale. I’ll look like a corpse.’
‘Never mindyourdress,’ she moaned. ‘What amIgoing to wear? I really don’t think I’m a traditional dress kind of girl . . . though I do look good in white. Kyle is hopeless at this stuff – he actually told me to wear “whatever”. Who the fuck wears “whatever” to their wedding? Ugh, if only I knew someone who was good at all of this . . .’
Hazel was practically foaming at the mouth.
‘Oh, just ask her, Lucy,’ I insisted, laughing. ‘We both know I’m useless at all of this.’
A smile slowly appeared on Lucy’s face like a crack in ice. ‘Hazel, will you help me plan my—’
‘I WOULD LOVE TO.’ Hazel reached into her bag and produced six wedding magazines and a notepad. It seems we all knew this was coming and I have no doubt that Hazel will do an amazing job.
Sunday May 7th
At our last visit, Pam suggested that we take a couple of weeks to talk things through and bring any issues we still have to the next session. She’s also suggested that we go easy on any intimacy until trust has been re-established on my side. I’m OK with this. I mean, the sex jar hasn’t been brought out for a while now anyway, mainly because I haven’t felt particularly amorous since Oliver’s reveal and he’s not pushing things while I’m dealing with it. My final piece of paper in the jar asks for rough sex but I’m not sure I want to go with it. Angry sex would probably be more appropriate but not when I’m still sore at him.
In other news, someone in this block of flats owns a recorder and I’m even more convinced that living in a cave is the way forward.
Monday May 8th
Not only was it pissing down all day, but I had to go and visit Jay first thing. At least he was actually there this time.
‘Coffee?’ he asked as I placed my umbrella beside the front door. ‘I’m just making one.’
Yes, please. How about a cup of what the fuck do you want this time, to takeaway? Two sugars.
