•Saw a man touch and sniff some baklava before putting it back on the serving plate. I’m now done with baklava.
•I have three mosquito bites in various locations and I want to claw my own skin off.
We didn’t see much of Lydia and Jodi after this morning’s kid’s club. I guess they wanted some alone time which is understandable. I don’t know if I’d want to be hanging around with a couple who are nearly twice my age for the entire holiday.
Monday July 24th
Woke up in the middle of the night, convinced I’d left my straighteners on at home and that the flat would be burnt to the ground by the time we got back. The fucking things are in Turkey with me but there’s still a little voice in my head that’s unconvinced. I’m sure all women must be plagued by this.
Tuesday July 25th
As it’s Jodi and Lydia’s last full day, we all went to the spa together, taking advantage of the kid’s package which included a chocolate facial and gentle body scrub. It wasn’t cheap but as the hotel is in the middle of fucking nowhere we had little else to spend our Lira on.
Oliver went for a Turkish shave which I later learned involved hot towels, an extremely sharp straight-edge razor, hair singeing and threading. Afterwards he was completely smooth and completely traumatised.
‘How the fuck do women do that threading thing on a regular basis? And he fucking burned my ear hair off with fire! I can still smell it. Never again.’
Thursday July 26th
Oliver is getting ratty now.
‘If I have to sit beside one more moron who’s getting hammered on shitty beer in the morning in front of his kids, I’ll fucking lose it. Seriously – go and play with your kid; build a fucking sandcastle. You’re not on a stag weekend in Ibiza.’
Molly begged me to go on another slide which had a plug hole you disappeared into before whooshing out into the pool below, upside down. Initially I refused until I saw a woman in her 80s do it and felt like a prick for not being braver. I have to admit – it was fun. I went on it three times and redeemed myself for acting like such a fragile wreck on the snake slide.
Friday July 28th
We leave at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning so we spent the last day in the waterpark, making sure Molly got to ride as many slides as possible. She’s pretty devastated to be leaving whereas I cannot wait to get the fuck home because:
1.I am sick of smelling like sun cream.
2.I am sick of everyone else smelling like sun cream.
3.Other people are annoying.
4.Being constantly harassed by staff to go to the spa when we have been to the spa is getting on my tits.
It’s been a pretty successful holiday though, apart from my inevitable sunburn. Even Lucy tans better than me and she’s a redhead. Still, I conquered my fear of falling off waterslides, had sex four times, let my skin go make-up free, watched my kid dance her little ass off, discovered baklava and saved a very nice woman from wetting herself on holiday. I’m a damn champion.
Sunday July 30th
I’m still finding sand in everything, despite having washed our holiday clothes twice. Fuck nature, it’s ruining my washing machine.
It’s a tad deflating to arrive home to grey skies and showers but my skin is grateful. Lucy popped over with some healing cream she swears by.
‘I think it’s used for burn victims or something. Burn victims and redheads. So how was the holiday?’
‘Exhausting!’ I admitted. ‘I’m glad to be home. There are only so many kids’ discos you can sit through before you lose your mind. It was nice to get away from everything, though. You know, I didn’t think about Oliver or his stupid kissing colleague once while I was away. Maybe this is exactly what we needed. How are you anyway? I take it work still hasn’t burned to the ground?’
‘Sadly no,’ she replied. ‘Though that Sarah woman was back in seeing Frank for lunch. She sat in your chair, waiting for him. She’s bold as brass, that one. I had to politely remind her that she didn’t work here so would she please not do that.’
‘I don’t want her sweaty gym arse on my seat! I’m going to have to bleach it now,’ I responded. ‘Who the fuck does that? She’s very strange.’
Monday July 31st
My baby is five today. FIVE! I’ve had the pleasure of gazing adoringly at that wee face for 1825 days but it’s flown by and I’m feeling many feelings about this, goddammit. As much as I’m excited to see how she’s blossoming, I’m also a bit sad that very soon she’ll no longer be my baby and will leave home and then I’ll be stuck looking at Oliver’s big face until one of us dies.
However, I kept this to myself and rearranged my work schedule so I could have today free and work Wednesday, instead. Oliver also took it off – we wanted to make sure Molly had a lovely day. It involved presents, a trip to the cinema to seeThe Boss Baby, dinner at Frankie and Benny’s and finally a Just Dance tournament when we got home. Mum and Dad Skyped her this morning and transferred some money for her into my bank while Oliver’s parents rang her from their landline because other forms of technology scare them.
