‘You did the whole porn debate when Cameron decided to bring in the new parental control filters. Anything else? You know that the Standard have that new columnist now. Her stuff isn’t as funny as yours used to be, but it’s doing well.’
USED TO BE? I stare blankly at my notebook and hear her give a big sigh. Oh fuck, I hate it when she sighs. Think, Cat, THINK! I could infiltrate a neo-Nazi gang? I could dabble in tantric sex . . . but I’d need a partner for that. Unlikely. Argh! I need to come up with something right now, before she sighs again. In my panic, I hold up The Rules of Engagement.
‘OR I could do this book. I could do a weekly column where I follow these rules.’
Oh NO! Stop talking. What am I saying? Maybe she didn’t hear me. Maybe she’ll hate the idea. Maybe—
‘I love that idea! “I Followed the Rules”. It has a nice ring to it.’
Fuck. Just. Fuck.
She stands up and smiles. ‘Great idea, Cat. Be funny, be enthusiastic and please be ready with a seven-hundred-word intro piece by Thursday to replace that bloody cat dirge.’
Seven hundred? That’s double my usual word count. I want to argue but I have nothing to bargain with, so I bite my tongue and agree this one time. As I return to my desk, I try not to make eye contact with Leanne, who’s bursting to know what happened.
‘Is everything OK, Cat?’
‘Not really. I’m now following these rules for my column and IT WAS MY IDEA. How did this happen?’
‘I think it’s a brilliant idea!’
‘I blame you.’
She laughs. ‘I can live with that. Who knows – you might even meet someone.’
‘Anyway, I have seven hundred words to write for this week, so I’m ignoring you now, Leanne.’ I take a deep breath, open the book and start reading:
RULE 1 – Stand Out from the Crowd
There are millions of women in the world he could have; what makes you so special?
One line in and I already hate this man. I continue down the page.
Let’s get one thing straight. Men notice women. We’re not blind, but we are picky. We notice everything about you, from your hair to your glasses to your breasts, all the way down to your shoes. We don’t all have the same type, and naturally what one man considers ugly another will consider beautiful. This isn’t a book that will tell you that you have to look like a certain stereotype or cliché; this is a book that will empower you to stop acting like one. This book will also encourage you to forget everything you thought you knew about dating and men and relationships. You’ll be the one in control; he just won’t realize it.
When it comes to getting serious about a woman, we’re looking for something unique. We want to date someone who exudes a quiet confidence, who stands out from the crowd. For example, there are millions of thin, blonde women wearing fake tan and clothes from Topshop. Or you geeky girls with the thick glasses and 1940s dress sense – you’re hardly original any more; what makes you special? And don’t start going on about personality – first visual impressions are everything. If we’re not attracted to you, we won’t ask you out and we’ll never know how smart and funny you might be.
His tips, which will apparently help me stand out from the crowd, include: avoiding being one of those tittering, vacant girls; exploiting my femininity through hair flipping and skirt wearing and, most importantly, maintaining an air of aloofness but without being a prick about it. Never at any point does he say, ‘Hey, be yourself!’ because apparently being yourself is the reason you’re still single – a comforting thought.
I move on to Rule 2, which is subtly called ‘If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get’. This must be what Leanne was going on about.
If you ask a guy out and he has nothing better to do, chances are he’ll say yes. This doesn’t mean that he actually wanted to go out with you; it just means he’s not busy. But if you let him do the chasing, you can be confident that this man is completely interested in you and not just passing the time until someone better comes along.
As stated previously, men will notice you – it’s up to you how this happens. I don’t advise making it obvious that you want to be noticed – nothing screams desperation more than a woman staring at a man like it’s dinnertime. Make your presence known, but if he doesn’t approach you, he’s either not available or he’s not interested. Learn this truth quickly and your life will be a lot easier.
Bemused, I close the book.
I find it hard to believe that this stuff actually works, but after a bit of research I seem to be the only one who doubts its effectiveness: of 2312 reviews on Amazon, 2300 are ‘four star or above’, with comments like, ‘Good 4 single ladiez!’, ‘Arrived just in time’ and ‘Finally something that works!’
There are some one-star cynics, to which of course I’m naturally drawn: ‘Utter nonsense’, ‘The author of this book should be shot’ and ‘FORGET FEMINISM, ABANDON COMMON SENSE AND BE PREPARED TO LOSE YOUR DIGNITY.’
But, horrifyingly, the general consensus is that the majority of readers are now happily attached thanks to The Rules of Engagement.
For now, I decide to keep an open mind. That said, when it comes to writing my column, I know I’m going to find it very hard to keep my snark in check.
The Lowdown magazine – Saturday 11 October 2014
Can dating books really change your love life?
