I obey and feast my eyes on the smooth cardboard. The front has a subtle floral pattern, with the words ‘Peter and Emma’ and ‘21 November 2014’ printed in plain black script. Inside it reads:
Mr Peter Anderson and Miss Emma Davies
request the pleasure of your company at their marriage
on Friday 21 November 2014 at 11 a.m.
Southside Parish Church, Newmill Road.
Dinner and dancing will follow at 7 p.m. in the Hilton Hotel.
At this very moment I am having all of the feelings. Sadness, jealousy, annoyance, loneliness, self-pity, hunger, ALL OF THEM.
I close the card and give Grace my best sunny smile. My heart is beating at a million miles an hour.
‘Well, isn’t that exciting? I’ll get to see you in your flower-girl dress! And in November! So soon! Why is it so soon? Are you hot, Grace? I’m hot. Let’s get to school!’
I open the driver’s window and release the handbrake, aware that Grace is now looking at me like I’m psychotic.
‘They got a cancellation. Are you OK, Mum? Dad didn’t think you’d want to come, but I made him send you an invitation because I knew you’d be sad to miss it.’
I turn left at Queens Park, narrowly missing a magpie in the road. ‘Of course I want to come, darling! It’s a big day for everyone. And you know how much I love getting dressed up. It’ll be fun!’
Fun? My ex has just invited me to watch him get married. It’ll be fucking humiliating. There’s no way in hell I’m going. We pull up at the school gates just as the bell is ringing.
‘See you at three, Mum. Love you!’
‘Love you more, Grace. Have a great day.’
I watch her catch up to a small boy in a neon jacket and they walk into the playground together. As soon as she’s out of sight, I place my head on the steering wheel and exhale. For ten minutes all I do is sit there and breathe.
*
‘I don’t understand why you’re so upset.’
Helen hands me back the invitation and continues sipping her coffee, oblivious to my ‘What the actual fuck?’ facial expression.
‘I mean, come on, Cat. You and Peter haven’t been together for years, and you knew this was happening. Not too sure about a November wedding though. It’ll be freezing.’
I rub my temples; my head is beginning to ache. I’m beginning to regret asking Helen over for a chat. ‘So you don’t think it’s wildly inappropriate that he’s invited me?’
‘I do,’ she agrees, ‘but you’re over-thinking it. Grace probably nagged him until he agreed to send an invite. You two have spent years hiding how much you loathe each other from Grace; how can you then expect Peter to explain why the mother she adores isn’t welcome to such an important day? Or why you’re refusing to share in a day that’s so exciting for her? That would be cruel.’
I sit back and consider this. I’m so used to Peter being underhanded and shitty to me, I never considered he might just be trying to make Grace happy.
‘I guess you’re right. It’s just going to be so hard watching him marry someone else—’
Helen throws her hands up in the air. ‘Jesus, Cat, will you please just move the fuck on?’ I’m shocked. Helen hardly ever swears. She picks up the invitation and waves it at me. ‘LOOK! Peter has, the rest of the planet has, but you’re STILL moping over a man who was never, ever right for you.’
I lean back on my couch, trying to avoid being poked in the eye by the invitation Helen’s flapping around in my face. ‘Maybe when I find someone—’
‘You will NEVER find someone while you continue to act like a tortured character from a bloody Brontë novel.’
‘You’re being too hard on me. We had a child together. Peter was the love of my—’
‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence. There is no such thing as the love of your life, that’s bullshit. There are only men you will love for varying amounts of time and with varying amounts of passion. Look forward to the next one instead of grieving over the last.’
She puts down the invitation and takes my hand. ‘I am being hard on you because I don’t want to see you end up like Mum. After Dad vanished, she closed herself off to the possibility of ever finding anyone again and we became her life. Only that wasn’t fair on her, or us. Remember?’
