‘That night I left you in the kitchen . . . Listening to you speak with such passion about all the things Tom doesn’t know about you . . . it suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to be the one who got to know all those things. I didn’t want it to be Tom. You were my game-changer and I was too stupid to see it.’
‘Your what? I don’t understand. You’re not making sense.’
Dylan reaches under his seat and hands me his iPad. ‘I’m not being very articulate. Maybe this will help.’
It’s logged on to the Tribune’s website. ‘Click on your column.’
‘What? My column? How will that help?’
‘Just read it.’
‘But I know what it says.’
He clicks on it for me. ‘Just. Read. It.’
‘Fine.’ I hold up the iPad, feeling incredibly foolish.
We apologize but there will be no column from Glasgow Girl this week. Instead we have a special guest post from Guy Wright, author of The Rules of Engagement.
I stare at the screen in disbelief. What the fuck? I’m scared to read on, but my eyes have already continued without my consent . . .
When I wrote The Rules of Engagement, I made sure I covered every dating eventuality; what to say, what to wear, when to have sex, how to handle break-ups, but there was one question I never thought to ask myself, something I never even considered until now – what happens if you meet someone to whom the rules don’t apply?
Let me be clear; this would be an extremely rare, freak occurrence: like frogs falling out of the sky, lightning striking the same person twice or Britain having warm weather on a Bank Holiday weekend but, like all of those events, it can happen.
So, in keeping with the book and the current theme of this blog, I’d like to add an additional rule. It might seem a tad cryptic at first, but stay with me.
Rule 11 – The Game Changer
Throughout this book I’ve given advice on how to meet men, how to keep them interested and make sure they stay that way. But what if, without even trying, you’ve managed to turn an ordinary, emotionally bereft man into a smitten shell of his former self? And what if he hadn’t told you this? How would you know?
Luckily, there are signs and signals you can look out for:
• He thinks it’s charming that you can’t cook.
• He’ll admit that you’re funnier than he is.
• He doesn’t care that you like crappy country music.
• He can tell you’re an amazing mum by the fact that your kid isn’t a pain in the arse.
• He’s sorry about the way you two met, but he’s not sorry that he took you home. Not for one second.
• He f*cked up and has spent the last week kicking himself, and hoping he hasn’t completely blown it.
And if all else fails:
• He hijacks your column and publicly declares that he’s in love with you.
A man like this needs to be put out of his misery. He misses you.
Look out for our exclusive interview with Guy Wright next week. The Rules of Engagement, price £5.99, is available now.
I’m aware that I’ve not said a word for at least five minutes.
‘. . . and publicly declares that he’s in love with you.’
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