‘Um, I’m not sure that—’
‘Please, Nick, for me? I really like this girl, but I have no idea how to act around Alfie. You’ve met the kid, he knows you!’
‘As Santa! He doesn’t knowmefrom Adam!’
‘Well, Sarah knows you and it was her idea that you join us. We’ll work it out. She’ll be here in half an hour. I’d change if I were you – those jogging trousers smell like baked beans.’
I retreat to my room and throw on a T-shirt and jeans while Matt switches on the Roomba and throws dishes into the sink. I can’t remember the last time he had a sober woman back here, let alone one with a child. He must be keen.
‘Nick! Make sure that bathroom isn’t filthy, will you? Women notice that shit.’
‘You’re not my real mum!’
‘Please, mate?’
I sigh and trudge through to the bathroom, cursing Matt under my breath. He gets a girl and I get put on maid duty? Why on earth did I agree to this?
Sarah arrives at 7pm, armed with a bottle of wine and some Ribena for Alfie. Matt ushers them in, kissing Sarah on the cheek and awkwardly ruffling Alfie’s hair like it’s the first time he’s even been near a human child. I wave from the living room.
‘Nice to see you again, come on through!’
Alfie is first to charge ahead, obviously unfazed by any of this.
‘Are we having pizza?’ he asks, immediately plonking himself down on the couch. ‘I like pizza.’
‘Alfie, this is Matt’s friend Nick. Say hello.’
‘Wow, your telly is massive,’ he replies, giving no fucks who any of us are. ‘Is that a PS4? Mum, they have a PS4!’
‘Your flat is really great,’ Sarah remarks as Matt takes her coat. ‘Thanks so much for having us over, I really hope we’re not interrupting your evening, Nick.’
Matt laughs with a touch too much scorn. ‘He can watchDie Hardanytime. The pizza was happening anyway.’
Sarah grins. ‘Ah, my favourite Christmas movie.’
‘Your date has taste,’ I inform Matt. ‘Why don’t you give Sarah the tour? Maybe start with the bathroom. . . Alfie and I have pizza to order.’
Impressed with my smooth transition into giving Matt and Sarah a moment together, while simultaneously entertaining her son, I join Alfie on the couch and open the Domino’s app on my phone.
‘What shall we order?’ I ask, entering my postcode. ‘I get the feeling you’re a pepperoni kind of guy. . .’
‘Mum called her friend Meghan to tell her where we are in case we go missing.’
I stop looking at pizzas.
‘Oh really?’
He nods. ‘I heard her. She was talking about Santa being a cereal or something. Why would Santa be a cereal?’
I do my best not to laugh. ‘No idea, buddy, but it’s good someone knows where you are. Your mum is obviously very smart.’
He nods. ‘Pineapple.’
‘Sorry?’
‘On my pizza. I like pineapple.’
‘Hmm, I won’t hold that against you.’
