Matt and Sarah take one car, leaving me squashed in beside Alfie, who’s grabbing the steering wheel like a tiny Michael Schumacher. As the buzzer rings to start, Alfie floors the accelerator, squealing in delight as we head straight first into Matt and Sarah, who visibly jerk forward with the force.
‘Let’s see if you can just drive around the track without hit—’
A kid in a baseball cap blindsides us and I feel my chest thud against the seatbelt. Alfie giggles and powers us off again. How the fuck is this fun?
Forty crashes later, I stagger off, wondering if my internal organs are still where they should be. Fortunately, both Sarah and Matt appear to be pretty banged up and declare that they’re never going on that again, before I do. Alfie, remaining unscathed, bounces off towards a food stand.
Two hours later we’re fed, happy and slightly soaked from the water rides. This part I don’t mind so much, given that a small child threw up on my foot earlier and now, post-water ride, my shoe appears to be somewhat puke-free again. Matt and Alfie decide to have one last go on the junior roller coaster while Sarah and I head to SAW, a ride based on the horror movie.
‘This looks brutal,’ Sarah remarks as we take our seats. ‘Have you seen that bloody drop?’
‘One hundred feet,’ I reply, smirking. ‘Say goodbye to that burger you had earlier. Oh look, there’s that little puppet shit, Billy. That can’t be good.’
Before I can say anything else, the ride takes off, twisting our way to the foot of the climb.
‘Oh fuck,’ Sarah declares, as we tip back and begin our ascent. ‘Here we go.’
Gravity is doing its best to pull us back headfirst to where we started. Sarah reaches over and grabs my left hand. With one last look at each other, we tip over the edge and hurtle towards the ground like Thelma and Louise, but with far more screaming. We loop, we invert, we bang our heads off the sides of the chairs, but we hang on to each other. Even in a death grip, I feel like her hand fits perfectly in mine. As we finally come to a stop, the restraints lift, and we’re forced to break apart.
‘Goddamn, that was intense,’ she says, climbing out. ‘Sorry about the whole hand thing, I panicked up there.’
‘Not a problem,’ I reply, ‘though I haven’t been gripped that tightly since Nadine Foster took me round the back of the Sports Centre.’
‘I cannot believe you just made a hand-job joke in a kid’s theme park,’ she replies, taking out her phone. ‘You’re going to hell. . . oh, Matt’s just texted, they’re waiting by the Dome.’
‘He’s been good with Alfie today,’ I say as we walk across. ‘You must be pleased they’re getting on so well.’
‘Of course,’ she replies, ‘though I’m a little reluctant to let them get too close. . . just in case. I don’t want men coming in and out of Alfie’s life. He needs stability.’
‘Matt’s the epitome of stable,’ I assure her. ‘Completely level-headed. . . like a human spirit level.’
She gives a little laugh. ‘I know, but I’m not naïve, Nick. Relationships either last forever or they end. . . there really is no in-between and the majority fall into the latter. Besides, I have a habit of making things way more complicated than they need to be. . . I never seem to get it quite right.’
‘Hmm, you’re talking to King Fuck-up here,’ I reply; ‘I’m the last one to judge.’
‘Don’t you talk about my friend like that!’ Sarah insists, nudging me. She waves over at Alfie who’s munching on some candy floss, while an exhausted-looking Matt is slouched on a nearby bench. ‘I happen to think he’s pretty special. I won’t hear a word against him.’
‘I think you’re pretty special too,’ I respond but my words fall on deaf ears as she skips off to hug Alfie and Matt, leaving me to follow behind.
When we arrive home, I’m ready just to collapse in front of the television but Matt, Sarah and Alfie have other ideas.
‘Happy birthday, Nick,’ Alfie chirps as he presents me with a beautifully wrapped present, which of course I rip to shreds immediately.
‘Wow!’ I exclaim, marvelling at the gift inside. ‘I’ve always wanted a yellow bathroom speaker shaped as a submarine! How did you know?’
Sarah laughs as a puzzled Alfie looks to her for an answer. ‘A little birdy told me how wonderful your shower singing is,’ she informs me, glancing at Matt. ‘So, Alfie and I thought you might want something to play your tunes through.’
Matt smirks, slowly shaking his head. ‘Abysmal! I said his singing was abysmal! He’s going to be a nightmare now.’
‘Stop hurting my delicate feelings,’ I say, inspecting my new toy. ‘Besides, you were the one playing Destiny’s Child the other morning. . . would have been rude of me not to join in.’
‘Yeah, alright, Beyoncé,’ he replies, looking slightly embarrassed. ‘Anyway, this is from me.’
I frown as he hands me a small silver package. ‘What is this? We don’t do gifts. We’ve never done gifts.’
He shrugs. ‘You’ve had a hell of a year. I’m making an exception.’
I tear open the paper suspiciously, hoping it’s not something horribly inappropriate that will scar Alfie for life. Inside is an Armani watch.
