Do you know what’s even better than a zoo? A farm. They let you feed the animals and ride on tractors and I hear you can even cuddle baby rabbits.
‘Ignore me,’ I continue. ‘I totally remember.’
Matt laughs. ‘Seven weeks in Oxford and you’re already losing your mind. Shit, I need to run, my client’s just walked in. Send me the link to the place and mark the date down in your diary.’
My chest tightens a little. ‘I’m invited?’
‘Of course!’ he replies. ‘Alfie insists. Think he misses you. No idea why, but he’s been having sleepovers in your old room. Anyway, catch ya later.’
Matt hangs up and I slump back into my chair, cursing under my breath. I wasn’t prepared to see any of them again, not yet. I thought that time plus fifty-six miles would equal a speedy emotional recovery, but it’s been harder than I thought. If Alfie’s been sleeping over, they must be getting serious. Suddenly I’m no longer hungry. Fuck, even the thought of seeing Sarah again makes me anxious, but it would look suspicious if I don’t go and I’m not giving Matt any reason to doubt me.
I wipe my clammy hands on my jeans as I await the arrival of Matt, Sarah and Alfie, ignoring the wary looks from the passing parents at the overly sweaty single man by the entrance, as they make their way into the petting zoo. I wish I was perspiring just a little less – it’s definitely adding to the ‘about to bundle a child into a van’ vibe. Given that it’s almost eighty degrees and I made the mistake of wearing a long-sleeved shirt, I must look as uncomfortable as I feel, but it’s not just the heat. I’m more nervous than I thought I’d be, given that it’s now been eight weeks since I’ve seen any of them, although I’ve kept in touch with Matt almost daily. Neither of us has mentioned my leaving party and it seems we both intend to keep it that way.
With Sarah, it hasn’t been so easy. I haven’t heard from her since that evening – well, other than a stilted ‘good luck’ text on my first day, which I replied to with an equally stiff ‘thanks’. Everything that was said and left unsaid that night had to remain firmly in the past, for both our sakes. Sometimes at night, alone in my bed, I replay that conversation over and over in my head, imagining everything I could have said or done differently. I imagine Sarah’s face as I tell her that I love her, that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about her. I imagine her telling me that I’m the one, that I can’t leave because she is hopelessly in love with me. I imagine what her lips would feel like on mine.
And then, inevitably, Matt interrupts my fantasy and suddenly it becomes a nightmare as I picture my best friend’s face as he walks in to find me kissing his girlfriend or professing my love to her. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t real – every time I feel myself burn with shame and guilt.
Not being in touch with Alfie has made me feel like the biggest arsehole on earth. He’s such a good kid and doesn’t deserve to be ignored but that was one promise that I just couldn’t keep, not while I was avoiding his mum. This one, however, I can keep, which just leaves Sarah and I to suck it up today, for what I’m expecting to be an absolutely tortuous afternoon together.
I spot Matt first, towering over the family in front of him, Sarah and Alfie eventually emerging beside him, holding hands. She’s wearing a yellow sundress and ankle boots and for a moment, my heart beats just a little faster. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it appears my longing hasn’t subsided as much as I’d hoped for, or at all.
‘Nick!’ Alfie yells, running towards me. He’s wearing an oversized blue badge with the number five on it. I smile widely and wave.
‘Hey, bud,’ I reply as he swoops in for a hug. ‘Happy birthday! Have you grown taller? You’re practically a giant.’ I squeeze him hard. God, I’ve missed his face.
‘Almost an inch,’ Sarah responds. ‘We measured him on the wall last week.’
She doesn’t make eye contact with me for long, instead shifting her focus to Matt while linking into his arm. My stomach sinks as he kisses the top of her head.Why did I think this would ever be a good idea?
‘You’re looking well, mate,’ Matt remarks as we go in for a hug.
‘It’s great to see you, man, I’ve missed you.’ And it’s true, I’ve missed them all, perhaps more than I’ve let myself admit over the last two months.
‘Is that for me?’ Alfie asks, pointing to the colourfully wrapped present I’ve been clutching for the past ten minutes.
‘Sure is!’ I reply. ‘Do you want to open it now or wait until we—’
He’s already excitedly tearing at the paper and lets out a rapturous ‘YES’ when he sees what’s inside.
‘A Spiderman cap! Look, Mum!’
‘So great!’ Sarah replies. ‘Let’s see how it looks!’
She adjusts the headband first before Alfie parades around wearing the cap along with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
‘Thanks, Nick!’ he says, grabbing on to my waist. ‘I love Spiderman!’
‘Glad you like it, bud! Looks good on you. Let’s go and see what the cows think.’
We head into the farm and I hope my nostrils will quickly acclimatise to the smell of manure as it hits me in the face. I smile as I see Alfie wrinkle his nose.
‘Job going well?’ Sarah asks. ‘Matt says they’re working you pretty hard.’
Not really, Sarah, it’s just easier to say that than admit that I’m distancing myself from all of you.
‘Yeah,’ I reply. ‘No rest for the wicked. It’s interesting though, so I’m not complaining. Lots to—’
‘PIGS!’ Alfie exclaims. ‘Mum, can we see the pigs?’
