‘You didn’t have to get me anything, sweetie,’ I say, carefully removing the paper. This statement is true. All I require from Charlie is a daily hug, but the other two better have bought me something I can drink from a shot glass. Inside is a Body Shop travel set of almond milk toiletries. If walking from the living room to the bathroom constitutes travelling, I’m into this. ‘I love it!’ I gush. ‘How thoughtful.’
Next, a slightly larger package is handed to me. It’s squishy and obviously contains clothing – hopefully that red, fluffy jumper from ASOS I showed Victoria a few weeks ago. It isn’t.
‘Oh. Pyjamas!’ I remark, holding them up in front of me. This is why she thought about the flannel pyjamas. But these are a soft pink satin, with frilly shorts and a matching camisole. It’s November. These are the pyjamas of a much warmer woman who cares about how she looks like in pyjamas. My flannel days should have cleared up any confusion years ago.
‘It makes a change from those old jogging trousers you wear to bed,’ Victoria comments. ‘I’ve seen them. Those things need to be binned.’
‘They’re beautiful!’ I reply, and I’m not being insincere, but I don’t see the point in looking fancy just to sleep alone. I want comfort, not a wedgie.
Finally, Faith hands me an A4-sized, official-looking envelope. It doesn’t look remotely birthday-ish and it certainly isn’t housing a bottle of tequila.
‘Am I being served?’ I enquire, staring suspiciously at it. ‘Please don’t give me a lawsuit for my birthday.’
‘Just open it,’ she insists. ‘It’s nothing like that.’
‘… OK.’
‘And don’t freak out,’ Victoria chimes in. ‘Remember, we love you.’
‘Oh God, WHAT IS THIS?’
‘It’s exactly what you need,’ Faith asserts.
My finger slides under the fold and stops. I don’t think I want to know. Are they having me adopted?
‘Open it, Mum!’ Charlotte bounces on her chair in anticipation as I take a deep breath and open the envelope.
Holistically Yours presents
ROMANCE REBOOT
(Friday 30thNovember – Friday 7thDecember)
Where even the most broken hearts can heal.
Dear Eleanora Brown,
Please find enclosed your travel and accommodation information for our exclusive six-day romance bootcamp retreat.
We look forward to meeting the old you.
I read the cover sheet twice because I’m not quite sure what I have in front of me.
Six-day bootcamp retreat.
Bootcamp?
I look up at Faith who is poised on the edge of her seat, fists clenched, practically pissing her pants, waiting for my reaction.
‘What is this? A bootcamp? Like in the army? I don’t get it?’
‘Remember I called you from the toilet to tell you about that guy who was at the launch I was at?’
‘Vaguely…’
‘Well, the launch was for this company. They’re huge in the States. Everyone is into that mindfulness stuff. You know, being present, paying attention to your feelings. They basically rewire your brain to think about love and relationships differently. For people like you who’ve become jaded with the whole relationship thing.’
‘I think you mean realistic… so, what, they brainwash you for a week and then hand you a special drink? Who are you trying to set me up with? Charles Manson?’
