‘Did you do this on purpose, Kenneth?’ she continues. ‘How did you know I’d be here? Did Patrick tell you? I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it to his bloody wife. I cannotbelieveyou came to this.’
‘I did not know you’d be here, Patricia,’ he whispers harshly, leaning across me. I’m so uncomfortable right now, I want to leave. I look around for a spare seat, but they’re all taken. There’s no escape.
Kenneth shakes his head. ‘It’s a coincidence – a horrible bloody coincidence.’
Patricia makes apfftsound and crosses her arms, mumbling, ‘I hate your beard.’
‘Yeah, well, your legs imply that I’m not the only one who gave up shaving after the divorce—’
Before they can continue, plinky-plonky music can be heard from the speakers at the side of the stage and Enya becomes the reason this argument stops and the bootcamp begins. I’ve never been so grateful to hear ‘Orinoco Flow’ in my life.
As a tall woman in a peach dress steps on to the stage to a huge round of applause, I quickly check the day’s schedule to see who she is.
Anna Adams.Clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor and holistic healer. Originally from Alabama, Anna has been working with clients from all over the world since 2001.
Has she now?I think, half-heartedly joining in the applause. That’s a long time to bullshit for a paycheck…
‘Thank you, you’re very kind,’ she declares, walking across the floor like she’s hosting a TED Talk. In the corner of the room behind her, I notice five people, all busy checking through papers and working on laptops, including Miranda and the handsome man in the Porsche I saw at reception when I arrived. He works here?
‘Welcome to the Romance Reboot! The first we’ve held in Scotland. We’re all so thrilled that you’ve chosen to join us this week.’
I continue to look down the list of support staff running the bootcamp, starting with handsome face.
Brad Hyde.Counsellor, life coach and yoga mentor.
Miranda Grant.Life coach and meditation instructor.
Lewis Crow.Life coach and holistic massage specialist.
Claire Dalton.Life coach and energy healer.
Sally Foster.Administrator and personal assistant.
As I sit there wondering what the hell a life coach does, Anna continues speaking.
‘Now, I realise it wasn’t easy for some of y’all to come here but let me reassure you that if you put the work in, it’ll be one of the most important weeks of your lives.’
That’s a bold claim, I think while everyone applauds themselves for being brave enough to attend a luxury retreat. I like Anna’s accent though. It’s very endearing. I can see why people might pay to hear her speak.
‘Nine years ago, I found myself twice divorced and finished with love at the age of forty-one,’ Anna proclaims, adjusting her little radio mic. ‘I didn’t see the point in pursuing another relationship, when every single one I’d been part of had failed. I was exhausted thinking about love, exhausted wondering why other people managed to maintain meaningful relationships, yet I couldn’t. I concluded that some people just don’t get to be romantically fulfilled, and I was one of them. And I can see from looking around this room, that this resonates with a lot of you. You too are one of those people who doesn’t get to be happy, right?’
There’s a murmur of agreement, combined with a sudden coughing fit from a man in the third row.
‘There’s over seven billion people in the world,’ she continues. ‘Sixty-six million in the UK and five million in Scotland, yet you’re still alone. Why? Why do you think that is?’
She points to a man in a black T-shirt. ‘You, sir. Why are you single?’
He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.Thisis exactly why I didn’t sit near the front.
‘I’m not sure…’ he replies, shrugging. ‘I just am.’
Anna smirks and walks over to stand beside him. ‘Honey, every single person in this room has a theory on why they’re single – hell, I had more than one! Let’s see; I was too independent, too emotional, too weird, my chin was too pointy, even my hair was too frizzy. But now, here I am, married again and happy as hell. I didn’t change my face and, as you can probably tell, I didn’t change my hair; all I changed wasmy mind. Now you’ve been smart enough to come here, be bold enough to start your journey.’
‘Um…’ he begins, his face now flushed.
‘Yes?’
‘Well… I guess, all the good women are taken.’
