‘Great!’ he replies, pulling over a chair. WITH THOSE ARMS.Oh, for God’s sake, Nora, calm down, you’ve seen arms before.
‘My role here is simple. As a life coach, my job is to help and encourage you to make changes in your life. I’m not a therapist, so I won’t be making you lie down and tell me about your childhood, but I will be inviting you to look at past behaviours and patterns which have brought you to where you are now. I also teach yoga, eye energy transfer, mindful dating techniques and—’
‘Do we have to participate in yoga?’ Tim interrupts. ‘I’m really not too fond of that idea.’
‘Yoga and meditation are powerful allies,’ Brad replies. ‘Calming your body and mind is essential to raising your vibration. We’d highly recommend you don’t skip either unless it’s for medical reasons?’
Tim shakes his head in defeat. I feel bad for him. He’s obviously the oldest in the group and it must be intimidating. My initial reaction is to spring out of my chair and remind Brad that we do not live in North Korea, and we are free to do what we want! But on the other hand, I want Brad to love me one day, so screw you, Tim.
‘Great, then your first meditation session is in the room opposite, if you’d like to follow me?’
I nod again and watch him walk towards the door. As I rise from my seat, I hear a voice say, ‘You can put your tongue back in now.’
I turn to see Will smirking at me.
‘Excuse me?’
‘Our life coach?’ he replies. ‘Listen, no judgement. I’m straight as an arrow and even I’m rethinking my preferences. But you might want to make it less obvious.’
Wow. Is everyone here as blunt as he is?
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ I insist, manoeuvring around him to catch up with the others, but my burning cheeks tell a different story. I scurry away, mortified.
We meet up with Group One in a smaller room, empty except for a plush red carpet, floor cushions and the distinct aroma of sandalwood. Brad instructs us all to remove our shoes before he leaves and closes the door behind him. The first woman we met, Miranda, fiddles with a sound system at the front of the room.
‘Welcome, everyone,’ she says, ‘I’ll be leading our love-focused guided meditation this morning. If you’re new to meditation, don’t worry. It may take you some time to be able to clear your thoughts, but with regular practice, this will come. Please find a comfortable position and we’ll begin. If you need to use a chair for back support, please feel free to collect one from the front.’
Several people scurry to the front for a chair, including Patricia who mumbles something aboutnot sitting cross-legged with an effing skirt on, but I can handle sitting on a cushion with my eyes closed for half an hour. I see Will, who cautiously moves towards me, looking awkward.
‘Erm… listen… back there, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Just trying to break the ice. I have no idea how these things work.’
‘You didn’t make me anything,’ I lie, ‘but maybe just open withhellonext time.’
He scrunches up his face. ‘Yeah, sorry. My sense of humour isn’t for everyone. Can we start again?’ He extends his hand. ‘Will Thomson. Happy to meet someone who perhaps feels as out of place as I do?’
‘Is it that obvious?’ I reply, thawing slightly as my hand meets his.
‘Hmm, a little,’ he replies. ‘It’s not a bad thing. Listen, if you—’
‘Let’s go, everyone!’ Miranda insists. ‘Places please.’
‘Better get on with this,’ I say, ‘but apology accepted.’
Will gives me a small nod of gratitude, before lying down and resting his head on the cushion.
‘We don’t recommend lying down,’ Miranda informs him. ‘It’s far too easy to fall asleep.’
‘I’m fine with that,’ he replies, but she stares at him until he reluctantly assumes a sitting position. Once everyone is ready, Miranda sits crossed-legged on her own cushion and clicks play on a small remote.
‘OK, nice straight spine, eyes closed and deep breath, everyone. In for four through the nose, out for four through the mouth…’
The sound of trickling water and pan pipes fills the room as people whoosh air out of their bodies.
‘And again. In for four… out for four…’
‘Whoosh.’
Well, this is utterly ridiculous and not remotely comfortable. I try to focus.
