‘Well, I hope you’re all relaxed after meditation,’ she says, smiling. ‘I want your mind as clear as possible for this next task, as it’s an important one. Cosmic ordering. Take out your notebooks.’
We all obey, turning to a blank page, awaiting further instruction like good little sheep while Anna waits.
‘Show of hands please if you keep dating the same person over and over?’
There’s a confused silence among the audience with only one man raising his hand cautiously in the front row. Anna laughs. ‘Let me put it another way. These people may have different names and faces and jobs, but they bring the same issues or problems?’
More hands start to shoot up.
Anna starts to strut around the stage. ‘You find yourself thinking, “Why can’t I meet someone great? I know what I want, but I keep getting let down or bored after a few weeks or something seems to be missing?” You’re just really unlucky in love.’
By now, almost everyone’s hand is up. Mine isn’t. In the past decade I’ve probably dated for a total of seven hours, hardly long enough to draw comparisons. Though theyhaveall had dark hair…
‘This,ladies and gentlemen, is the reason.’
She taps her laptop and gestures to the screen behind her which is now displaying the words WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.
‘The problem isn’t that you’re unlucky, the problem isyou. If you keep approaching relationships with the same mindset, and patterns of belief but expect a different outcome, you’ll never get what you want.’
There’s a collectiveahhhing in the audience and for the first time, I join in. It’s a good point. Not relevant to me of course, but credit where it’s due.
‘Now, I know you’ve all heard the old cliché “How can you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself?”’
Anna clicks this up on to the screen behind her and reads it again.
‘I can guarantee, some of y’all aren’t very kind to yourselves, am I right? The love and affection you show others, doesn’t apply to you. Raise your hands if you have children.’
I raise mine without thinking, but thankfully she picks on someone else.
‘Lady in the pretty green sweater. What’s your name? OK, Kathy, how would you feel if you knew that your child felt that they’d always be alone? For whatever reason, they weren’t loveable?’
‘I’d be horrified,’ Kathy replies, placing her hand on her heart.
‘Why?’ Anna asks.
‘Because she’s wonderful!’ she answers. ‘She deserves all the happiness in the world.’
‘But why? Is she an exceptionally gifted child? Earth-shatteringly beautiful? What makes her so superior, that she deservesallof the happiness in the whole darn world?’
Even though I can only see the back of Kathy’s head, I can hear how perplexed she is. If Anna had asked me this about Charlie, I would have replied that she’s the greatest human being ever made, and I will fight anyone who disagrees. But Kathy is less of a maniac.
‘No… not exactly… um… well, she deserves it because I love her so much. I want the best for her.’
‘EXACTLY!’ Anna yells, making half of the audience jump. ‘You are all capable of so much unconditional love but only when it’s not pointed in your direction! Take even a small fraction of that love and keep it for yourself. You too are someone’s child, and you are just as deserving as your own.’
Oh God, I think Kathy is crying.
‘We are all spiritual beings having a human experience and human beings need love. We need comfort. We need to connect. Why on earth would any of you be somehow excluded from this? Tell yourself, every day, that you are worthy! That you are beautiful! That you are enough! Tell everyone!’
‘I am enough!
‘I am beautiful!’
People are standing and declaring their worth. Oh, sweet lord, is this really happening? In Scotland? People here don’t behave like this. We don’t have sudden outbursts of self-esteem, declaring how great we are, unless football – or whisky – is involved. We’re the ones who’ll tell you tosit doonand then make fun of you until you regret ever being born. People are hugging now. Is this the part where we all sing a hymn or something? Will Anna make that man with the cane walk without a limp next?
‘By the end of this bootcamp y’all are going to love yourselves so much that anyone else loving you is just gravy. Now, I want you all to draw a circle in the middle of your page, like this.’ Anna points to the screen behind her, displaying a circle, in case we were confused about simple shapes. ‘And inside the circle, write “My Ideal Partner”.’
I hear faint mumbling as everyone proceeds to draw, including me. I wonder if I can just stick a photo of Brad in mine and toddle off for lunch.
