He bobs his head from side to side, like he’s unsure. ‘Hmm, I think you feel better hearing that someone else is also having a hard time.’
‘Not at all! At least you’ve been married! I’m going to die without ever knowing that kind of monotony.’
Now Will’s laughing. ‘Maybe I feel a little better too,maybe. Man, I hate that they got this part right. Next, I’ll be crying in my hot tub.’
I glare. ‘It was a long day.’
‘OK, everyone, it’s time for lunch but I’m really impressed with how y’all threw yourselves into this task. I realise it wasn’t an easy one, but you did it! Your stories are out there now. Leave them there. You have made space for more vibrationally worthy pursuits. Fill that space with joy. Now, if anyone feels they need additional support, please see your mentor.’
‘Do you need additional Brad support?’ Will asks, grinning. ‘I wonder what that entails? Bicep therapy?’
‘You’re very dismissive of Brad,’ I reply. ‘He’s good at his job. Are you jealous?’
‘Yes,’ he admits. ‘You caught me. I too wish to be a real-life Ken doll. Remove my genitals and pull up my collar.’
‘I think his genitals are very much intact,’ I reply, glancing over. ‘I think everything is right where it should be…’
‘Um, he’s not a piece of meat, Nora,’ Will replies, tapping me on the shoulder. ‘Men have feelings too, you know. Even the Brads of this world deserve respect!’
I roll my eyes and walk away but I don’t get very far before I begin to titter. Brad does look like a Ken doll and now I’ll never be able to unsee it. Dammit.
I’m still thinking about our workshop as I arrive back at the cabin. About how I’ve managed to become someone who is so crap at love and relationships. When I met Stuart, he’d just broken up with his ex and I convinced myself that my only job was to be better than her. To give him more than she’d given him. But nothing I could have done would have been enough because he just kept me around while he waited for her to come back and when she didn’t, I became the target for his sadness. It’s taken me ten years and one bootcamp to finally realise that he wasn’t angry that I wasn’t good enough for him, he was angry thathewasn’t good enough for her. Even after he moved on to Julia, I still hoped that he might suddenly wake up one morning and realise just what a fool he’d been and that I was the one all along. How pathetic.
I’ve spent years thinking I was somehow too broken to ever be properly loved. All that time just wasted. Years spent putting whatever love I had into Charlie because she was my chance to get something right and although I don’t regret that for one second, I feel sad for me. I accepted my loneliness far too easily and now it feels normal. Now I don’t know how to feel any other way.
I turn on the shower and throw my clothes into a pile by the door, hoping to wash away the lingering emptiness. I’m so tired of feeling empty. I’m better than this, I deserve more than just existing for my kid. I turn on some music and step into the shower, promising myself that things will change. Maybe I won’t ever find true love with someone else, but I’ll be damned if I’m spending the next forty years not loving myself enough to at least try.
CHAPTER19
I dry my hair, throw on some comfy clothes and light the fire before looking at the dinner options on the TV menu.
Starters
Homemade vegetable broth with a crunchy warm, half baguette (vg) (v)
Filo-wrapped king prawn with a sweet chilli dipping sauce
Cured meats with toasted bread and chilli chutney
Mains
Asian-style stir-fried beef with broccoli
Chicken pot pie with sweet potato mash and baby carrots
Vegetarian quiche with chickpea couscous (v)
Desserts
Sticky toffee pudding (v)
Large chocolate Brownie (vg) (v)
Selection of cheeses (v)
I decide on the prawns, stir fry and toffee pudding and am informed that they will be with me within forty-five minutes which gives me plenty of time for a glass of wine and half an episode ofTrue Detective. I’m already feeling brighter; it seems that a hot shower plus rage singing to Slipknot equals a better frame of mind. It’s weird, in my late teens and twenties, I never understood Slipknot’s appeal but recently I appear to have fallen under their curse. Pretty sure they’d be thrilled to know that they’re finally appreciated by some forty-year-old single mother with sneeze incontinence and a fondness for squirrels. Regardless, I’m embracing my inner metalhead for as long as it lasts.
I snuggle up on the couch and give Charlie a call, who assures me that everything is great, and Faith is taking very good care of her. Faith yells that she’ll call me later (which she won’t) and to piss off and have fun. What she doesn’t know is that I’m about to get my dinner delivered and I’m cosy as hell. This is the most fun I’ve had in years.
