That sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. If he was available, I’d need to consider having a relationship. Having feelings. Making room for him. Before now those things made me feel unnerved. But with Will… those things don’t seem so scary. Only one thing does.
‘What if he decides his wife is better than me?’
Those words are still ringing in my ears now as I brush my teeth. It’s still the crux of my problem. How can I ever be ‘the one’ when I’ve already resigned myself to second best before they have? This isn’t about Will or sex or anyone else, this is about me telling myself I’m not worthy and the universe saying,‘Cool. You’re not worthy. Here’s some second-rate shit to deal with. Have a nice ordinary life.’
Anna was right. I get it.
I finally get it.
I scrape my hair back into a ponytail and throw on my clothes. I hear breakfast being dropped off, but I’m too psyched up to eat. I need to get out of here, I need to meditate, I need to get Brad to show me how to breathe from my damn perineum and most of all I need to put on my headphones, listen to music and walk until I feel ready to face Will later.
It’s bitterly cold this morning but I’m layered up, complete with bobble hat and feeling more motivated than I have in a long time. I reach the side of the loch at 7.50am where I stand and admire the view. Everything is very still, very quiet and although I feel like the only person on earth, strangely I don’t feel alone. I feel like the universe might just give a shit about me, because, for the first time in a long time, I’m giving a shit about me too.
Time to let go, I tell myself, watching the birds skim the loch.No more waiting to be disappointed, no more waiting to fail because that’s the only feeling that feels normal. No more proving that you’re not your mother – you’ve already done it. Oh, and no more hating your body. Wear those bloody sexy pyjamas, get in that hot tub naked every night and remember that you’re more than the sum of your parts. You have a great big arse and a great big heart, and you are enough. You are more than enough.
I’m not sure when I started crying, but I can’t stop. I’m crying for the wee girl who wanted her mum to love her more and for the grown woman who wanted someone to love her, full stop. Most of all I’m crying for the me that chose to live in the dark for so long, rather than fight to make sure her spark never went out.
‘You alright, Nora?’
Startled, I turn to see Brad standing behind me, dressed in a warm jumper and jeans, holding a travel mug. I nod but the lump in my throat is making it impossible to currently speak.
‘You’re not, are you, you poor thing? Come, sit over here.’
I let Brad lead me over to a bench where we both sit. He hands me his mug. ‘Camomile tea,’ he informs me. ‘Think you need it more than me.’
It takes me a minute to calm down but eventually I’m less visibly devastated.
‘Sorry,’ I say, sipping his tea. ‘Just getting rid of some old ghosts.’
‘I think this bootcamp has affected you the most out of everyone. No offence, but it’s glorious to see.’
I laugh. ‘My snivelling face is glorious?’
He nods. ‘It is. It’s the real you. Interesting that you chose to come to the water to unleash your emotions. Water is often used by witches; it’s seen as a connection to the divine feminine. Spells for grief, or love or emotions in general involve water. You came here to be cleansed and it looks like it’s working.’
‘Um… witches?’
Brad smiles. ‘I’m not implying you’re a witch… though you do share the same alluring traits. I’m just pointing out that subconsciously you chose a very powerful place to cast out the old you. I’m impressed. Most would have just cried in bed.’
‘In all honesty, I didn’t want to come to the bootcamp,’ I say, handing him back his mug. ‘But everyone was so convinced that I was lonely. I came here to prove them wrong. I came here to show them that not everyone needs someone else to be fulfilled.’
‘And now?’
‘I’ve discovered that not being in love with yourself is a far bleaker future to face.’
Brad throws the remainder of his tea on to the ground and stands. ‘I have to get up to the main house. You want to walk with me?’
‘I’ll see you up there,’ I reply. ‘Thanks for the chat.’
‘No, thank you,’ he says. ‘You’re doing so well, Nora. It’s inspiring. See you later at meditation.’
As he walks away, I take a deep breath and compose myself. Then Will pops into my head and takes that breath away again. Whatever this thing is between us, we’re both adults. I don’t care what Victoria says, we’re perfectly capable of moving past this.
I don’t see Will on my walk up to the main house which gives my red, crying face time to go back to its normal pasty self. I get inside and say good morning to everyone, taking my usual seat near the back of the room. It isn’t until I see Anna walk on stage that I notice Will is sitting in the second row.
‘Day four, everyone,’ Anna announces, ‘And I hope y’all are noticing the changes that are occurring from within. I also hope you enjoyed last night’s dinner as much as we did.’
Why isn’t he sitting with me?
