‘I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for making this bootcamp one of the best we’ve ever had,’ she says. ‘I’ve seen such boldness and joy from y’all, and such commitment to become the people we know you can be.’
Everyone claps, congratulating themselves on being themselves. I do too. I’m splendid. I’m also opening that damn bag.
‘Now, tomorrow is your last day but it’s a day of reflection… or rehydration, depending on how much champagne we get through this evening, so there will be no workshops. Instead, we will offer yoga as usual, as well as massage and Reiki. If you’re interested, the appointment sheets are on the table just outside the door. We’ll also finish with a loch-side bonfire in the evening with music and meditation.’
‘Oh, I’m so getting Reiki,’ Meg says enthusiastically. ‘My energy has been all over the place.’ She sees me opening my giftbag and dives into hers.
It’s a Holistically Yoursbootcampfountain pen, a small leather-bound notebook, a patchouli candle and some handmade chocolate. I’m pleased. I sniff the candle, while everyone else follows my lead.
‘I’m not a fan of massages,’ Nish says, taking the lid off his pen. ‘Paying someone to touch me? It just feels wrong.’
Will chuckles. ‘Pretty certain it’s notthatkind of massage, Nish. I’m going to get one though; my body’s a little tender.’
I stop messing with my gift bag and look up. His focus shifts to me while he drinks his champagne. ‘Must be all that yoga.’
I remain composed. I know what he’s up to.
‘How have you been feeling, Nora?’ he asks. ‘I know beginners can sometimes feel like they’ve taken a pounding.’
‘Yes,’ Meg agrees. ‘Yoga can be brutal if you’re not used to it, Nora. It’s best to take it slowly at first.’
I blink at Will before turning to Meg.
‘Oh, you’re so right,’ I reply. ‘I’ve been trying to take it slowly. Will actually advised me just to ease myself into it, you know, inch by inch.’
I see Will flinch.Gotcha, shithead.
‘It’s a good way to approach it, Nora,’ Will remarks, ‘because when you finally get into the right position, like reallydeepinto it… you feel the effects everywhere.’
‘Oh, totes!’ Jillian interjects, swigging from her glass. ‘It’s an amazing stress reliever.’
Will coughs, holding his hand near his mouth to cover his smile.
‘My problem is that I just want to hold that for as long as possible,’ he says. ‘You know, really push myself as far as I can. I could happily skip the rest of this bootcamp and just give yoga all of my attention. It’sthatincredible.’
The instant he catches my eye again, I visibly writhe in my chair. He’s so dead.
Before anyone can respond we’re SWAT-teamed by a group of waiters armed with our starters. I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. I don’t need Parma ham. I need to cool down.
As I make my way downstairs, I realise this staircase is going to be harder to negotiate the drunker I get. I’m either going to have to drink sensibly or lose my heels at some point during the night. I reach the bathroom and find Patricia there, backcombing her hair.
‘Flat hair is not what I need right now,’ she comments, savagely shredding at her hair. ‘Menopause has a lot to answer for.’
‘I think Jillian has some hairspray in her handbag,’ I mention, slipping into a cubicle. ‘Might help?’
I hear the door slam behind her as she rushes out to find her hair saviour. I use the loo and then wash my hands, running cold water over my wrists in a vain attempt to extinguish my intensifying ardour. I stand for a moment, admiring myself in the mirror, as both Jillian and Patricia storm back in, hairspray in hand.
‘You shouldn’t have washed your hair first,’ Jillian says. ‘Dry shampoo adds volume.’
I make a mental note of this while I manoeuvre around them and out into the lobby. I meet Brad at the bottom of the stairs, checking his phone.
‘Hey, Brad! Think the Wi-Fi is a bit sketchy here.’
‘It’s non-existent,’ he replies. ‘Felix asked for a kilt selfie but it ain’t sending… I’ll try again later.’
He pauses to look at me. ‘Well, don’t you look beautiful! Self-acceptance suits you, you’re practically glowing.’
It’s not self-acceptance, I have a raging horn, Brad. Raging.
