‘Carly seems nice,’ I say, nonchalantly. ‘Like, soopah nice.’
He rolls his eyes at my Welsh accent. ‘She is, yeah.’
‘But see I’m a little confused– because I distinctly remember you describing her as homely.’
‘Did I?’
‘Oh yes, you sure did. But unless that home is the fucking Playboy mansion, I’m wondering why.’
‘This is why!’ He sighs. ‘Because of this! This very reaction.’ He gestures at me wildly, which would almost be funny if he wasn’t implying that I am being unreasonable.
‘I think it’s a fair question,’ I respond, calmly. ‘If I spent weeks away from you, shacked up with Tom Hardy, telling you he lookslike Boris bloody Johnson, you’d be examining my motives, too.’
‘Because you’re insecure, Kate,’ he tells me. ‘I’m sorry but it’s true. You hate your hair, your weight, Christ even your freckles, and sometimes it’s exhausting. Believe it or not, my intentions were good, I just didn’t want it to feed into that bullshit you carry with you.’
‘Bollocks,’ I respond. ‘You kept her quiet because you fancy her and I mean, what’s not to fancy?’
‘I can’t win with you, can I?’
I stub out my cigarette and stand up. ‘My arse is numb,’ I reply. ‘I’m heading home.’
I start to walk off, but Ed calls me back. ‘Don’t just leave. We need to talk. Earlier, with my mum—’
‘I know, I know. . .’ I reply. ‘But fuck, Ed! This whole thing is bullshit. Why did I suggest we come here and pretend everything is fine? It isn’t fine, it’s far from fine. . . and why the hell did you agree?’
‘I don’t know,’ he admits. ‘I didn’t want to but—’
‘Then tell me that! I may be insecure but you’re so bloody spineless sometimes, it bores me to death. Tell me no! Be assertive! Choose the hard path sometimes. At least at work I have people who challenge me.’
‘Challenge you?’ he exclaims. ‘They don’t challenge you; they drive you insane! I can’t remember the last time you didn’t come home bitching and moaning.’
‘Well, it’s better than coming home with nothing to say at all,’ I reply. ‘At least I share my day. I literally have no idea what a day for you entails.’
‘That’s because you never ask!’ he yells, throwing his hands in the air. ‘And as for being spineless, I’m not the one too fucking gutless to tell the man you live with that you’re not happy. To let him tiptoe around you for months, snapping at him. To allow him to think that it’s just the job you don’t love when in fact, it’shim, too.’
‘Ed, I never said—’
He shakes his head. ‘I’m done, Kate. I have no idea what my life will be like without you, but fuck me, it has to be better than this. Let’s get the next couple of days out the way and move on.’
We walk home in silence, me following a couple of steps behind to give him some space. He opens the door and heads straight to the living room while I go downstairs to bed. As I take off my jacket, I catch a glove that falls from my pocket, only it’s not my glove. It’s Ed’s. I feel a sharp pang in my chest. Even after everything, he still doesn’t want me to be cold. Goddammit. Why does he have to be so bloody decent?
2010
Kate
‘It won’t work.’
‘Of course it will,’ I tell Ed. ‘People do it all the time.’
‘OK, then. Tell me one long-distance relationship that has ever worked—’
‘Jennifer Lopez and—’
‘And not some bullshit celebrity couple who can nip over to see each other on gold-plated jets.’
‘Dammit.’
Last week, everything was so simple. We both got our university acceptance letters on the same day and we even opened them together. We’d both applied to Durham University, among others– me for law and Ed for music– and we were both accepted. We had it all worked out; we’d find cheap student digs, get crappy part-time jobs and have the best three years of our lives.
