CHAPTER30
‘Oh my God,’ Erin said, admittedly louder than she had intended. ‘That feels incredible.’
Becky smiled as her hands pushed up and over Erin’s back, kneading into her shoulders and neck. ‘It’s supposed to,’ she replied, ‘although I am going easy on you. I’d really like to go at you with my massage gun. Your hair looks really pretty by the way, they painted that balayage on with precision, eh? I once got one and it looked like someone had just tripped and fell into my hair with a tinting brush.’
Erin wondered if Becky spoke to all her clients like this, or just the ones she massaged for free on a patchwork couch.
‘It makes sense that you’d end up doing something like this,’ Erin remarked, allowing herself to melt into the sofa. ‘I remember those head massages you used to give after a heavy night out – magical fingers. You always made me feel brand new. Pretty sure Tara cried during one, she was so relaxed.’
Becky laughed. Tara crying was almost unheard of.
‘Well, back in those days it was all about releasing negative energy. I used to drag those demons out. It was all a bit amateur, but now I mostly relievemuscular pain and specific concerns all in accordance with the ITEC.’
Erin giggled at her professional tenor.
‘But yeah, I enjoy it. Honestly cannot think of anything else I’d rather be doing.’
‘Quite the team, you and Christine, aren’t you?’ Erin remarked, her face squished against a cushion. ‘Like healers united.’
‘Hmm,’ Becky responded, ‘I’ve never thought about it like that. I’m not sure she’d agree. Massage isn’t on quite the same level as psychotherapy.’
‘Rubbish. I’ve had my fair share of counselling and, what you’re doing right now, it’s just as therapeutic.’
Becky poured some more oil onto her hands. She’d normally use a wheatgerm and soya bean blend, but today she was using stupidly expensive extra virgin olive oil, courtesy of Erin’s kitchen.
‘It’s certainly more relaxing,’ Erin continued. ‘Therapy stresses me out.’
‘Really? Why?’
Erin repositioned her head on the pillow. ‘Just the whole setup. You go in there and bare all. Open yourself up completely. But there is no instant healing. When your time is done, you leave with an open wound. Some people quite like having a big cry during their sessions but I hated it. Driving home with a soggy face and those hiccupy sobs that just won’t fuck off. No thanks.’
‘When did you have therapy? After Scott passed?’
‘Yeah, for about three months. My agent recommended someone. Bereavement counsellor. Iris. Really lovely, patient woman. Her office smelled like coconut…’
Becky continued to work down her shoulder. ‘I’m guessing there’s abutcoming.’
She felt Erin sigh. ‘I think I went because everyone else wanted me to. It’s hard to explain. Don’t get me wrong, it was helpful to talk about it… about him. I just feel sometimes that grief is a very personal thing, you know? No one’s grief is the same. So, without actually knowing the person… it all feels a bit clinical… empty.’
Becky paused her hands on Erin’s shoulders. ‘Do you feel empty?’
Those words made Erin want to scream. Empty didn’t begin to cover it. The void that Scott left, it was like a black hole that continually gnawed away at her. She felt hollow.
‘Don’t,’ Erin began. ‘I’ll cry.’ She reached up and touched Becky’s hand.
Erin knew if she began to cry, she might never stop. The whole weekend wailing like a banshee while everyone else sat awkwardly on patio chairs eating all the bread.
‘It all just feels a bit hopeless,’ she said quietly. ‘What if I move and the sadness just follows me there?’
‘You’ll be sad for as long as you’re sad, I guess,’ Becky replied softly. ‘I don’t think location will change that. Just know that when you’re ready to talk, we’re all here for you.’
‘That’s not what I wanted this weekend to be about,’ Erin replied. ‘But thank you.’
Becky understood. She imagined that everyone had something they didn’t want spilling over into the weekend and ruining it. But every inch of Erin’s body held on tight to her pain and so, for the first time in ten years, she placed her hands on Erin’s head and without saying a word, began dragging out the demons.
